Diary Friday

I’m going to continue on with diary entries describing my experience getting into Picnic when I was a senior in high school.

I am again amazed at how busy I was and how much I was still able to get down in my journal.

Here’s part 1. The audition.

Here’s part 2. The callbacks. I got in!

Now here’s the next bit. I have to put in the stuff about dating TS too – because it’s just too funny.

SEPTEMBER 30

Oh Diary.

I’m so so so happy. I am so happy. [You got that?]

Last night I called TS and invited him to the 7:30. Then he called back and said he couldn’t get a ride over till later, could we go to the 10:00? Sure! So I put my lenses in to heat for an hour. [Wow. What a time travel moment! Member having to HEAT your contact lenses???] After a while, Jean said, “Sheila! Someone’s trying to open the front door!” So I went and opened the door. TS peeked in. “My parents came home early – want to try to make the 7:30?” I went dashing around and ran out. I hadn’t changed, my hair was flat, I had my glasses on. Oh well. Who gives a shit. I’m happy.

We had a blast at the movie.

Oh yeah, on the phone he asked me, “So what happened at callbacks?” And I said, “I’m in!” And he was so happy – he took a fit. [How attractive!]

Before the movie started, we just sat there quietly together, not saying anything and then suddenly he sort of punched me lightly on the shoulder and said, “Hey. I’m really psyched!” and started asking me about my part and rehearsals.

I love him.

OH GOD, I can’t STAND how much I LOVE HIM!

I’m so HAPPY right now!

I’m in the play!

Everything’s so GOOD!

We walked back to my house, talking about the movie – There was a lot of crying in the movie. We were laughing at how we were “judging” crying. TS was saying, “Well, I’m more impressed by the repression of tears, the holding back of emotion. I mean, I saw this movie with Lauren Bacall and she was WEEPING – and her makeup’s all over the place and suddenly I realized ‘She’s about 70 years old.'”

We talked about Picnic. I told him about Millie [that was my part]

He was like, “I don’t mean to scare you, but you very well may end up in Washington in front of thousands of people, Sheila.”

I LOVE MY FRIENDS. [Where did that come from?] OH! J!! AND BETH! KATE. BETSY. MEREDITH. I love the world. Wow wow wow

We got back to my house. Brendan was at the dining room table listening to Prince [I love you, Bren] so we sat down with him and talked for about 45 minutes. About Drama, the movie, Purple Rain. Just stuff. It was fun. TS called his parents and they were gonna meet him on South Road, but not for a while yet, so we sat down again, talked some more. He found this Diary under a pile of papers and leered at me. I grabbed it.

TS said, “Well, I better be going.” I suppose I was obvious but I said, “Oh, I’ll walk you down.” Not that I wanted to protect him (hee hee) but I was having such a BLAST talking to him. Every time I see him it gets better. We could talk forever and I’m me and he likes being with me. [Very important.]

So we left. It was black black outside. So much so that I could hardly keep my balance. TS and I kept bumping into each other. Then suddenly I remembered that TS had left some Greek homework at the coffee house (Betsy gave it to me later) – and I remembered that that homework was back at my house so I stopped still and said, “Oh! Your Greek!” And through the black, I heard him say, “Well – Scottish, actually.” That is still making me laugh out loud.

Then we ran back to my house, I burst in saying, “We’re back!” I grabbed his papers and gave them to him and then we started out again.

As we walked, we talked – But I barely listened to what he was saying. [hahahahahahahaha] What a beautiful person he is!

Last night is a dream. I still can’t believe it happened. I can’t even remember what we talked about, but we got to South Road, and he was sort of quiet as we walked toward the road – I didn’t know why. So there we stood at the tip of Clark, and TS said, “Well, I guess I’ll just wait until they find me.”

I said, “Okay.” Then we just smiled at each other. He looked different though. Then he said, “Well – thanks.” Oh, I’m fainting. [hahahahaha] I smiled at him. It’s a dream. He smiled back – but not the normal TS smile – a different one – He stepped forward, put his arms around me and hugged me. I was standing there thinking: Oh my dear Lord. I hugged him back. Diary, he hugged me so tight! We hugged for so long. I felt him kiss me on my cheek. Then we just HUGGED.

Oh, I hate writing these things down on paper.

[Then I completely fall apart, and my writing goes all over the page]

Oh help Oh, I love him

!!!!

He loves me …

AS A PERSON

Oh

my

GOD!

Can you believe this?

I still can’t. I haven’t even convinced myself it happened. He hugged me.

Oh, I don’t ever want to look at this entry again. [Oh, but you will, Sheila! In the year 2006, you will look at it again!!] I’ll just remember it.

LATER:

In the daylight it seems even more momentous. HE HUGGED ME. [I love what a huge deal a HUG was.]

J. and Kate know. I don’t know who else to tell – Mere, Betsy, Beth, maybe Anne. I don’t know. I can’t believe it.

Was the reason he was quiet walking was because he was planning it? Getting up his guts?

A hug is so wicked special. [hahahahahaha]

Walking home, I was so washed over with goodness. I just looked at the sky, thinking: GOD, I LOVE THIS WORLD.

I got up at about 6:00 and lay in bed for 2 hours just thinking about it.

Now what?

It took us 7 dates to get this far. I am so happy!!

OCTOBER 1

What a weird weird awful wonderful day.

First of all, on Wednesday, I have a personal meeting with Kimber [the director of Picnic] cause he wants to get to know people he hasn’t had before as students. Oh dear Lord. Another thing to worry about!

The hug is already growing fuzzy in m y mind.

I’ve been thinking about it a lot. So many kids at school have superficial relationships – and I DO NOT see how this is possible. Or how someone could just go out with someone wihtout liking them. When TS and I hugged, it was … how could 2 people share something like that and still maintain a stupid high school romance? It was so deep. So devoid of fakeness. [Please note that I am talking about the hug as though it were a 10 person orgy. “How could 2 people share something like that ….]

J. came in and said, “Where was it? Show me the exact spot on your cheek.” I swear, she has kept me sane this frenzied weekend.

Today in school they announced over the loudspeaker: “Congratulations to Sheila O’Malley, who was chosen for a role in the university production of Picnic to be put on in December.”

I feel so good. I’m sort of a little celebrity. Whenever Stephanie sees me, she sing songs, “Sheila’s a professional actress!” And Brian Records called down the stairs to me, “Sheila! Sheila!” I stopped and he came down to me saying, “I’m so proud!”

People are GREAT. I still can’t believe my life.

Look at my life! I have too much to think about, but I can’t throw any away, cause they’re all good things. But it’s OVERLOAD.

Oh Diary Diary Diary.

We hugged. IT’S TOO MUCH FOR ME! [hahahahahahaha I love the innocence. I really do.]

OCTOBER 2

Awhile ago, when we went to that Film Noir series, we were sitting in Kingston Pizza. TS’ mother’s cousin came over. He was this old guy who was obviously drunk but friendly enough. In fact, before TS knew who it was, he was sort of making fun of him. Anyways, he came over, looked at the two of us, and said, “God, would ya look at the mirror image here?” We do dress alike. On Saturday I had on a black coat, a short-sleeved collar shirt, jeans, and hightops. TS had on a black blazer, a white short-sleeved shirt, and black hightops. But not just that of course. We are so much alike.

Was it hard for him to hug me? [I’m sure it took him 10 years to get up the guts.] People who have superficial relationships must block out what they’re missing – or they don’t know any other way to deal withi things. Because being hugged by him was so real – I mean, no kidding about it – God, talk about defenses down – Maybe that’s why it felt so awkward after because we both felt exposed. I know I did at least. I loved it though.

I don’t know how many times I’ve kicked myself for acting so casually after. J. yells at me: “Sheila — what were you supposed to say? ‘Till we meet again?'” [hahahahahahahahaha]

Too much is happening right now. I have to calm down. What a way to start my senior year. It’s like there’s this movie camera in my mind, playing and rewinding over and over again. All I can see is TS’ dark coat, his shoulders pressing against my face –

Am I doomed? [Yes.] I feel very tentative now. I’m tiptoeing all the time. What’s it gonna take to make me happy? God, I walk around in a fog all day. I can’t stand how droopy I get. I can’t smile sometimes. Everyone’s like “You, of all people, should be riotously happy.” And they’re right. Look at me. I’m in a play – and it’s not a minor part. It’s a GREAT and EXCITING part.

All right, the next few months are going to be absolute chais.

I have to remain CALM.

OCTOBER 3

Today was like a bad dream. I kept thinking, “Why the hell did I get up?” Things kept getting worse until finally I was like resigned to my fate. [You were “like” resigned to your fate? Or just resigned?] Maybe that was stupid, but I just sat back and let it all pile on. I mean – nothing bad happened. But all the time now I feel so worried or restless. Perpetually. I don’t know what about, but I always feel worried, hassled, sick. [My schedule was probably busier then during that fall than it has ever been since.]

I can’t do it all. Well, I can but I have to get used to being this busy. I feel so nervous and worried all the time. I’m not gonna pretend that TS doesn’t have anything to do with it. Are you kidding me? I used to think going with someone would solve all my problems. It only creates more.

Splash is at Edwards this weekend. [Splash!!!!] I’ll ask him to go and I’ll ask him to go to the dance. But I still feel so worried and insecure.

So anyways, today was really rotten and blue. I also had my meeting with Kimber. I was not at all getting psyched for it. Because today is Wednesday – stupid Film Noir night – every dumb Wednesday I just sit around sinking lower and lower and every time the damn phone rings, I just hold my stupid breath. I hate Wednesdays.)

So my meeting was at 4. I came home on the bus for about the 2nd time all year. Mum drove me up. Ho hum. I was still quite the depressed and quiet.

I walked up to the front doors. This building is a dramatic looking building – all cement, and this long walk up where you can see yourself approaching in the dark glass doors. Also, you can only see silhouettes inside. So up I strolled, trying to look like I knew what the hell I was doing. I came into the lobby, and there was Brett (the guy in the audition who smiled at me). He’s so CUTE. He struck me as so wicked nice, cause at callbacks, I was just sitting alone and he looked at me, smiled, and said, “And your name is?” I smiled and said, “Sheila. Hi.” He held his hand out to me. “I’m Brett. Hi.” It was so friendly, it really put me at ease. At the first audition, I came into the room – he and the girl were sitting there with Kimber – I glanced at them. He gave me this reassuring smile. As I was leaving, I was sighing in relief – that yes, I had lived – I glanced at him – He winked.

Diary, I CAN’T WAIT to get to know all these people! It’s so exciting! I cannot WAIT.

So anyways, he was standing there with the one other girl who had been out for Millie. You know, it’s funny – but at callbacks, I was just sitting there observing everybody and I didn’t know that she was trying out for Millie too, but I was looking at her, thinking, “Oh, I hope I don’t turn into someone like you.” I mean, she was funny, but she seemed “on” all the time. I think it’s great when first impressions are wrong. Because mine was. NEVER rely on first impressions. It’s a huge mistake, and it felt GOOD to be proved wrong.

Anyway, I came into the lobby, they both looked at me, and immediately both shouted, “Congratulations!”

Brett (who is adorable) hailed me, “Sheila! Congratulations!” I felt so happy, so welcome. Not alienated or too young at all. I walked over to them – Brett held his hand out to me – “Hello. I’m Brett – and you’re Sheila.” He paused to remember my last name. I said, “O’Malley.” The girl giggled, “Don’t you mean O’Millie?” She was COOL – I mean, yes – she is “on” – but she is also NICE. She held her hand out to me and said, “I’m Dina. I was out for Millie too, but you were the right choice – you’re much better than me.” [Uhm – wow – the generosity there is really quite stunning.]

Brett hugged her mockingly and she said, “Hey, I’m being honest! Besides, I’m not the sort of person who goes –” and she started stamping around grumbling, “I DIDN’T GET THE PART! AHHHHH.” Brett grinned at me. “The minute you turn around, she’s gonna take out a hatchet.”

When I went back on Friday to find out if I got in, there was a dance class warming up in the lobby. I guess they were both there, but I didn’t see them. Brett told me that they watched me walk calmly by – and then 5 minutes later – watched me zoom back out. I said, “So who are you in the play?” And he smiled at me – really cool and real smile, and said, “I’m your friend. Your buddy!” I said, “Oh! You’re Alan!” Wicked cool! Then I said, “Oh! I have a crush on you!” Brett said, seriously, “I’m flattered.” We all burst out laughing. He asked me, “So you’re a senior in high school?” I nodded. They were … nobody JUDGED me.

I can NOT wait to work with these wonderful people!

Brett said, “So you’re here to talk to Kimber?” I said, “Yes. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.” And Brett grinned at me – and said, “Then we will escort you to Kimber!” So they did. They brought me into the audition room with this big fanfare. Brett yelled, “SHEILA O’MALLEY!” And he and Dina started applauding.

I also can’t wait to work with Kimber. After one meeting with him – I feel like I can improve so much. I learned incredible things I’ve never even thought of before. Like: don’t learn the lines. Just learn the words. Learn them in a complete monotone. Don’t interpret yet – because interpretation depends on the interpretation from other actors. Acting comes from reacting to other actors. So if you start interpreting the lines in a certain way on your own, you’re sort of depending on the other actor to give you a CERTAIN interpretation. And that’s bad. Then you can’t act and react in the moment. Kimber said that it’s harder to get out a good interpretation if you interpret on your own, alone – That thought has never entered my mind.

I walked home. As I walked along, I heard this screaming: “SHEILA! SHEILA!” I looked up and there down the sidewalk was Stephanie, tearing towards me with outflung arms. I’ve really gotten close to her this year. She’s in my Project Adventure, and also French. Just then, this car swerved into the curb, and Laura Moran was driving. She was screaming out the window at me, “GET A JOB!” The cars driving by were looking at me as though they were worried about me. Laurie DeW. was in the car too – she is such a sweet nice person. I leaned over to say, “Hi!” – and unlike other popular girls – she didn’t just BESTOW a kind smile at me – she smiled at me in a real way, and said, “Hi! How are you! Congrats on the show!”

Oh. It’s all so great.

AMBITION!