Diary Friday

Next installment in the Picnic adventure!

Part 1. The audition
Part 2: The callbacks, getting into the play
Part 3: First meeting with the director
Part 4. The calm before the storm … the time before rehearsals started … memorizing lines, etc.
Part 5. Rehearsals start
Part 6. Rehearsals. Stress building.

I have forgotten so much of this. Once I read it, it all comes back to me … but man. These are old old memories here!

OCTOBER 22

There are some days that are just too unbelievable to even explain. This is one of those days. I feel like I must write it out. I have so much to say or want to say. I feel so much better.

I think. [Love that paragraph break there]

I’m not gonna tell about today now. I’m gonna put it out of my head. That’s what Betsy said to do. [Betsy! hahahaha You were BORN to be a guidance counselor, you beautiful woman!!!] I don’t want to talk about it. I’ve got a lot of thinking and praying to do.

So. I will start talking about something that I can put into words. Rehearsals. I still haven’t finished about last night’s – which was one of the funnest so far. That whole thing about: “with your sensitivity, my heart starts to grow wings” – it applies to me. It all does. When one person smiles at me, or says “Come with us” – I never forget it. And I start to feel safe. And my heart grows wings. I am really starting to LOVE all of them. They are such wonderful people. But I’m a part of it. I belong, and I feel like I belong. They make me feel like I belong. [Yes, but do you belong?? Can you please say “belong” one more time?]

Yesterday’s reahearsal – Oh. I feel so disbelieving that I am in this play.

Listen to me: Millie is a lead. A LEAD. I have a lead in a play with Kimber and I am only 16.

I got to rehearsal early so I was sitting in the lobby going over my lines, and this guy walked by. His name is Frank. I remember him from that time our drama class came to the campus and sat in on Kimber’s class. He came over to me, “Millie! Congratulations! I’m Frank!” He shook my hand. He knew my name too. He was nice, but it was sort of annoying in the way he touched me. Like – he touched me like we already knew each other. I didn’t like that. Get your hands off me, Frank. [hahahaha] He asked me if I would cue him in his lines. He’s in Tennessee Williams’ 27 Wagons full of Cotton – Oh my God, that play!!

[Funny thing: It’s a 3-person play. Frank was in it, a girl Jennifer was in it – who was also in Picnic – and a “new student” was in it and he played Vacarro – the rapist. The guy who played him wasn’t a theatre major, he was a business major, but he did a bunch of plays just for the fun of it – This guy would end up being – YEARS later – my first real boyfriend. My 3 1/2 year boyfriend. My cross-country trek in a VW van boyfriend. Etc. It’s just so weird – to look back on this time – and see all of the seeds of the future RIGHT THERE … only I was 16, and way too young yet for any of it. WEIRD!!]

[So. Back to Frank being inappropriate with a 16 year old girl.]

So I read his lines with him – and the scene was the SEX scene – when both characters are immersed in orgasms [ha. Like it’s a water tank] – and I had to CUE HIM. You shoulda heard me. “Mmmm. Oh baby … Oh, hurt me … hurt me …”

Those were the type of “cues” I had to give him. My face was so red. I made sure I said all those words in a total montone.

After that, we talked for a while. And – I’m pretty much taking this whole thing in stride but there are times when I have to stop and think, “My God. I am in this play. I AM IN THIS PLAY.” I’m not going around realizing that all the time. But he – he seemed really impressed with me. He asked me how old I was. [Pervert.] I said “16” and he flipped. Just the way he said, “You got a starring role before you’re even in college?” I got shivers because it was like this sudden realization. When I got into the play, I was just ecstatically happy. I didn’t think about what it meant. But – this is it. Is this happening? My name in a real program with glossy pages. People paying. Having my friends come to see me. I’ve never been in a play independent of all of my friends. So I am alone in this, but I’ve got a whole new set of friends at rehearsal that I can relate to and feel almost as comfortable with them as I do with my other friends. Especially Brett and Joanna. Joanna plays my sister. I feel really comfortable onstage and offstage with her. She’s driven me home from the past 3 rehearsals and I can really talk to her. She’s never been in a big mainstage show either. She just is really sweet to me. And Brett! Oh God, I just want all my friends to meet him so they can see what he’s like! I used to think, “It’s gonna be hard being in this show because I will fall in love with him!” But now I think – who cares if I fall for him. It’s fun. Who gives a shit. It’s fun to have a crush, and have that little extra thing to look forward to. [Sorry, TS!! hahahahaha]

After Sunday’s readthrough we had a break, and everyone sort of scattered. I stayed onstage looking through my script. Brett had just stood up. I glanced up at him and we smiled at each other. He’s a very smiley person. [Oh God. Brett – sorry about that.] Then he looked closely at me and said, “Hey – did you get your haircut?” Well, I hadn’t. I had done it differently, pulled down the bangs in the front – so what the hey, I said, “Yeah” [You lied, basically] and he said, “It looks good.” TS and I had that exact word for word conversation on the night we went to see The Letter. Word for word.

[Uhm – Sheila: “Did you get your haircut?” “Yeah” “It looks good” is not really the most original conversation EVER … it’s not THAT weird that you would have “word for word” identical conversations with 2 different people. It’s not like the “word for word” conversations were: “I love bambinos and paper clips and cars that fly.” “Well, I enjoy lime-green babushkas and speed-ball cocktails!” Now THAT would be weird if you had that exact exchange with two different people.]

But he noticed. We’re not just all individuals in our own little glass boxes. The way Kimber runs rehearsals – we have to interact – we have to actually BE in each other’s world. Act on impulse. React 0 don’t just remember lines. I feel such a togetherness with all of them.

During these breaks, everyone usually goes backstage into the lounge. From in the house, you can hear the hysteria. I guess I’m still timid. I know they wouldn’t think I was a little tag-along, but I still feel on my guard. Boy, did I feel like a social outcast sitting alone in the huge theatre, listening to the screeching and music coming out of the hall doors. I don’t know what’s the matter with me sometimes.

Brett wandered back into the house alone and came over to me. “Hey, Millie!” He sat down next to me smiling in that friendly way he has. With him, it’s like we’re already the best of friends. God, with college men it’s much harder to tell the difference between friendship and FRIENDSHIP. [hahahaha So true.] I’m only 16, so what am I so worried about?

Another important factor: I can look Brett in the eye when I talk to him. I don’t know why I can’t with some other guys. I really don’t.

Brett said, “How you doing?” I said, “Okay” Then he said, “How was your week?”

My week was awful. No matter how fun everything was, I was so racked with worries I couldn’t sleep. Nothing could be real fun cause I was so worried about how I would do it all. So I told him that. I said, “I’m doing so much – I feel like I can’t do it all.” I even mentioned my other play, and how all my rehearsals coincide – blah blah – I didn’t dump on him – I just said that everything was going nuts. He leaned over and patted my shoulder. I smiled at him. “But this is what I look forward to.” He grinned, pleased. “It is? Good!”

[Brett. My dear friend. I know you are reading this. GOOD LORD look at how much I was watching you and observing you. SCARY!!! You were so good to me. Are. I love you!]

He told me about his senior year in high school. Diary, he was in 3 shows too! [OMIGOD YOU MUST BE SOUL MATES.] Also, he was part of a ballet company [Brett? Ballet? Why do I not remember this?] – It was so comfortable and friendly, sitting alone in the theatre just talking to him as though I’d known him forever. He was in Grease his senior year and he was Danny! I wish I could know what he looked like when he was 17. [This is hysterical. He was 19 years old then … and I thought he was SO OLD!!!] I said to him, “I don’t care what grade I get in Drama. Because this is where I want to be now. She can fail me, whatever, bitch. I’m learning more here than I ever learned from her.”

Monday night’s rehearsal – everyone was so cracy. Everybody was laughing so hard – I would try to be serious but too many hysterical things kept happening. Joe – my GOD. Is he a riot. I mean, some of my lines came right after his, and if I wanted to be able to get my line out I had to turn my ears off to Joe, because the way he says his lines is so uproariously funny that I would lose it if I listened to him.

And Brett and Liz – they were rolling with laughter. At first, Brett couldn’t even look at Joe. Joe would say one of his lines, and Brett’s chin would be bent into his chest and his shoulders were shaking – just watching him and Liz was making me laugh. They were out of control. Then it got worse. There is a dancing scene in the play – and during it, Alan isn’t there – and he comes out on the porch, sees me dancing, and motions to Flo to come out and see Millie dancing. Alan has been helping Flo back a cake and he is wearing an apron.

Diary – Liz and Brett were totally helpless with laughter. “Oh Alan, he doesn’t care for dancing – he’d rather bake a cake.” So Brett started pretending that he was icing the cake, having the best time of his LIFE, with these crazed eyes, and this huge wide smile – his hands flailing about – and Liz couldn’t even talk. Liz could not even talk. “Alan’s helping me in the kitchen.” I cannot tell you how hysterical this was – What kept flashing through my mind at unfortunate moments during the rest of the rehearsal was Brett crazily icing the imaginary cake.

OCTOBER 24

What an awful day. It poured all day. Everyone was affected. No one was in a good mood. April’s getting a warning in English. J. lost her second-chair flute seat in band to April. Kate was spacy, and Miyako was upset. Also on Monday night, J. and Erica went to a movie – it was a rainy night – and on the way home they got in a head-on collision. Nobody was hurt but it shook them both up.

I couldn’t do any work today. Nothing held my attention. I kept feeling myself dozing off. I think part of it was last night’s rehearsal. It was so hard. Frustrating.

God, I just COULD NOT say this one line – Fuck, it was making me so frustrated:

“Cause I’m gonna dress and act the way I want to and if you don’t like it, then you know what you can do.”

[I SO remember now my struggle with this one line!!]

Every single time I came to that part – I’d start, stop, blunder – Oh, it was drinking me bonkers. Also, last night we tried it for the first time with the Midwestern accents – so much concentration – I’ve been working really hard on the accent, I have a tape – and that one line – Oh! I wanted to tear my hair out! Everyone was having some trouble though. Just because when you add the accent on, it makes it hard. Even now, when I try to say that – it sounds so simple, but – that’s the point. I learned it a certain way – the way everyone would say: “Then you KNOW what you can do!” But Kimber said not to stress the know cause I swallowed the rest. I have to give every word the same importance – but I was so conditioned – it would fly out of my mouth the way I had always been doing it. I just couldn’t get it.

Rehearsal started out well because the main people were rehearsing tonight and they’re the ones I feel so close to cause I see them the most. Liz, Eric, Brett, Joanna, Joanne, and me. Diary, I’m in most every scene. Can you believe this??

I got to the Fine Arts Center, and Joanne had brought this jitterbug tape so she and Brett were dancing – it was a step that they both learned in class. I like Joanne – she plays Rosemary. I liked watching their jitterbugging feet – her boots, his sneakers. I was just standing there watching them. Then the song ended and the two of them were just hoarsing around – then they saw me – both said hi. Joanne gave me this kooky smile. [We would go on to become very good friends. Terrific actress. Still working.] Brett sauntered over to me, smiling suavely. “As I come towards you, you are expecting me to be really friendly and nice. Wnen in reality …” As he said that last part, he grabbed me and – I can’t really remember the moment it was so weird – but he locked me in his arms, and he was whirling me around – very violent! I was laughing in surprise from his sudden attack – He let me go, and went walking around, with his arm tight around my shoulder, shouting, “This woman is my buddy!”

Rehearsal almost dragged. I wanted to go home and start working on all the things Kimber was telling me.

I was sitting next to Brett and Kimber continually stopped Brett to tell him to talk slower, to not garble his words – Brett normally talks at breakneck speed. He started to get real serious during rehearsal. There was this one line: “You came to pay me back?” I could totally understand what he said, because I’m a fast talker too – but Kimber kept stopping him. It was sort of like me with my line. Every time Brett came to it, he’d stop, and swear, or groan, “Fuckin’ A!” The next time we had a break, Brett went outside alone in the dark and just sat out there. We had a 20-minute break. When Brett came back inside, he looked so serious, deadly serious. He kept his head bent. As we settled back down, I heard him whisper something to me that I couldn’t hear – so I leaned over to him and he whispered, “How ya doing?”

I whispered, “Okay. How about you?” He didn’t answer. I felt like leaning over and hugging him but I couldn’t. I’m so damn timid. Sheila O’Malley, he hugs you every other minute! But I’m so afraid of being rejected, or going too far, or being embarrassed. And to me – going too far seems really subtle. I always feel on my guard, so I won’t say anything that will make me look stupid or say something that’s a little much, a little bit too much. The thing is I don’t know what’s too much.

After a while, we came to my awful line. Again, we had to run through it about 5 times. I literally was tugging on my hair. It’s so horrendous when I know what I’m feeling as I say the line – but it doesn’t come out right. Well, finally I did it – and for once, Kimber didn’t interrupt to tell me I didn’t quite have it. The scene kept going, but I winced anyway, waiting for the frustration to hit again. Brett caught my flinch cause he nudged my ankle, I looked at him and he whispered, “No, that was good.”

You know what is hard to believe? Is that — inside every human being, that person is thinking of themselves as “me”, “I”.

Inside every person — they are looking out at the world too – and they are looking at me through their own eyes.

I wonder what they see. I wonder how they see things different. What I seem like to the world.

October 25

I am so angry today.

I WANT TO POUND SOMEONE.