Next installment in the Picnic adventure.
Part 1. The audition
Part 2: The callbacks, getting into the play
Part 3: First meeting with the director
Part 4. The calm before the storm … the time before rehearsals started … memorizing lines, etc.
Part 5. Rehearsals start
Part 6. Rehearsals. Stress building.
Part 7. Crush with Brett intensifying. Finding my own way as an actress. Stress building.
Part 8. Dropping out of religious retreat with much sturm und drang.
Part 9. Being invited to college party
Part 10. Going to college party
Part 11. Aftermath of college party!
In this next one – the repercussions of dropping out of the religious retreat started to really hit me. Also, my general non-stop busy-ness was starting to wear me down.
NOVEMBER 9
School has been horrendous this week. Oh dear Lord. But it’s the last week of the quarter so all the teachers are heaping on the work. I can’t miss a day. This week, I had 3 papers due in English, my French journal – Next Tuesday I have a practical in Physiology and I haven’t even seen the bones yet. [hahahahahahaha] I have so much work. And I also have rehearsals every night from 7 to 11. It is all wearing me out. I have no time. I need time. Time to myself. Time to think. I have none at all.
Also, the retreat is this weekend. In fact, it’s going on right now. Honestly, it really hasn’t hit me yet – that I wasn’t gonna be there. Something that I’ve been praying for to happen for so long. Lisa, Betsy, Kate, Ricky – I won’t be there. Last night after I got home from work [work?? You still go to your job?? Quit the damn job, at least for the quarter!!!] I sat at the dining room table and did caritas for a while. It tore me apart. All of those people I love so much. And writing those letters – just writing them ripped me apart. I just burst into tears at the table. Part of it was exhaustion. I really am worn paper-thin. Also, it was TS’ birthday. I bought him a card but I didn’t have time to call him or see him.
And I thought that I’d be able to go to the Closing [at the end of the weekend retreat, there’s a big closing ceremony – where families come, friends, whoever] – I didn’t know that it started at 4. I went to Betsy’s before rehearsal to give her my caritas. I felt so droopy, utterly depressed. I am going through really rough times. I sleep in school. I have never looked as bad as I do now. And when Betsy told me that the Closing was at 4:00, I froze. Heap boulders on me. She drove me up to the theatre, and when I got out of the car, I was near tears. I just stood there. The sky! Quickly scudding clouds, and the huge silver full moon peeking out. It was chillyl\ and windy and vast. Before I got out of the car I leaned over to Betsy and we hugged really tight. I said, “Have a beautiful weekend.” And she said, “Thanks, honey.” As she drove away, I could only whimper inside, “I want to be there.” I felt so empty and desolate.
That retreat was gonna be SO special. It was so so so hard to give it up. It still hadn’t hit me. Doing caritas was what did it to m e. I was so tired anyway. Before rehearsal I really tried to get myself under control – but I couldn’t. I just felt bland and empty inside.
But then during rehearsal – it felt so great. I felt so secure. We did Act I and Act II. In Act II, I have to scream and cry and go running off stage where I throw up – Thursday was the first time I really felt it. I really felt it. I screamed, “MADGE IS THE PRETTY ONE! MADGET IS THE PRETTY ONE!” I shoved Joanna away from me – I felt it all inside me – and I went running offstage. I really did feel sick inside. Oh Diary. It’s very weird, but we all stay in character on and off stage. I can feel myself just … being Millie all the time. We did Act II about 3 times, and each time I flew off – Brett was waiting there. He held out his arms to me. Or he took my arm and pulled me over to him. Then he just held me until our cue. He smoothed my hair. I was still Millie, though. It’s creepy. I wasn’t Sheila. I was Millie, and I was sick, and I was not pretty like my sister. Millie and Alan have this special bond anyway. But Brett was gentle – and at one point – I could hear his heart beating. I could hear it when he swallowed. I could hear and feel his heart.
My favorite part is Act II because I totally go crazy. And when I go crazy, someone is there to comfort me, help me come down. Then when he leads me back onstage, I’m still groggy and depressed – Liz comes over to me –
On Thursday, it was scary – I just stood up there – and it was all too much. The retreat, being Millie, acting, feeling, loving – being hugged and feeling loved – I just stood up there weeping. It was so real that it wasn’t even “acting”. But it was scary. I don’t ever want a boyfriend. It’s all too much for me.
Thursday’s rehearsal was weird cause of what was going on in my real life – but it was really hard and really scary to put myself through that scene so many times – I have to fall on my knees, sobbing, “I wanna die! I wanna die!” I never really felt anything in that scene until Thursday. And suddenly – I really wanted to die. How can I want to do that in front of a huge group of strangers I don’t even know? Just doing it in front of the cast was scary enough. I just SCREECHED, as I staggered around the stage, “MADGE IS THE PRETTY ONE!” It was scary – crying and running backstage – I am Millie.
We had like a 15-minute break so I went down in the house to just sit and look over my lines, and I remembered that on Tuesday’s and Wednesday’s rehearsal – we did the Alan-Millie scene. Talk about putting your real feelings on stage! Rough. Kate said, “It’s unbelievable – the undercurrent beneath your scenes.” I mean, Picnic is not acting. It’s being. Acting is something to avoid. Kimber said, “There is a difference between playing an emotion and having an emotion.” When he said that, it all clicked for me. Immediately.
It’s sort of contradictory, but it’s easier to just let yourself feel whatever is going on in the scene than to reach for the emotion that you think you should be having – but it is so so hard to let yourself go through it, to actually experience it.
The scene I have with Alan is the hardest one I have, I think. Because it’s real – not just cause it’s Brett – but because I feel myself freezing up. I feel myself trying to put up a shield because of rejection. I always want to cry during that scene, because it’s rough. I can feel my own awkwardness – and I just remember DW – and how I would try to tell him how I felt about him – and I honestly don’t know if I can do that in front of an audience. Kate said to me, “Yes, you will be expressing yourself, but you’re going to touch people.” I hope so. [I love how my friend Kate appears to be taking the role of acting coach. She wasn’t even at the rehearsals! But obviously I had told her all about it, in great detail.]
Anyways, I was sitting in the house and I was thinking about that scene and how it didn’t feel right yet. So I got up and went over to Brett who was fumbling around in his duffel bag and I said, “Brett?” He straightened to look at me and I told him that I was sort of having trouble with it. The first thing he said was, “Is it me?” I said, “No – no – I just feel a million miles away from the whole scene –” He interrupted me and said, “Follow me.” He walked down to the far front corner of the house and sat in a seat and I sat next to him. He had a pipe in his mouth (he uses it to get into an Alan frame of mind) – and we started talking about. We went through it.
Then he said, “Okay, let’s try it.” When we’re onstage – he sits on the porch steps – I sit on the cistern – so we aren’t really physically close – but right then, we were touching – our knees and elbows were touching – For me, the scene had never felt real before – and suddenly, there, it felt real. I couldn’t stand how close I felt to him – Some things happened that had never happened before onstage. He said to me, “I’m glad you like me, Millie.” And then – our eyes locked – I was drawn to him – It wasn’t acting. It was an actual conversation. A real conversaion. Finally I said, “I don’t expect you to do anything about it. I just wanted to tell you.” [Man. Art imitates life.]
After I said that line, I felt this big relief – and he smiled at me – really slowly – and then, very cautiously, we became Brett and Sheila again. I could feel myself trying to feel my way back into myself. Brett said, “That felt really good. We had some moments in there we’ve never had before.”
In that small conversation – as Alan and Millie, and also as Brett and Sheila – I really felt like his close friend. And – I am. That’s the whole thing. I really am. And that makes me so happy.
On Thursday, he was acting really bummed. Whenever Hal and Madge have their love scene, he leaves. I heard him say to Joanne, “I really can’t watch the scene cause it really bumes me out.”
I know how he feels. I’m not onstage when Joanna says, “Mom, tell Millie I never meant it all the times I said I hated her. Tell her I’ve always been proud that I’ve had such a smart sister” – I sit backstage and I just start crying. Every time I hear those words. It’s scary when the acting and livng become real, and you can’t tell where you end and where the character starts.
Later on, Brett was just standing backstage and we were waiting for our cue – I looked over at him, and he was standing absolutely still. I said, “How ya doin’, Brett?” He looked at me and made this grimace face. He whispered, “I can’t watch that Hal/Madge scene. As Alan, it really depresses me.” I nodded. He stepped forward and hugged me. He said, “I wish sometimes that Kimber would just tell people what to do. Not show them.” Brett has a clean nice smell.
Diary, I want to really really fall in love someday. I want to have so much love in my heart that it honestly aches. [Careful what you wish for there, girlie.]
There’s more to tell.
First of all: the play’s coming together great. We are down to run-throughs. They’re moving the set in soon. I LOVE IT. I CAN’T WAIT. Thursday night Brett drove me and Joe home. Joe lay down in the backseat so I sat up front with Brett. It was cool. I mean, in a way, I really do love him – I adore him actually – I have a huge crush – but I love them all. I really do love them all. They are all good kind people, and I love them.
Oh! And Brett thought I was 18! I said in the car, “Well, when I get my driver’s license, I’ll drive everyone around.”
He glanced at me. “Wait – aren’t you 18?”
I wasn’t about to lie to him. I shook my head, staring at him through the dark.
He said, “17?” I said, “16.” [hahahahahahahahaha] He didn’t say anything – pulled into the driveway. As I got out, Joe climbed into the front and as they pulled out and drove away, I was standing on the porch and we were yelling lines from the play back and forth at 11:30 at night. It was so funny.
They’re my friends. My good friends.
Tonight’s rehearsal was even better. We did Act II and Act III. I tore offstage after my screaming in Act II – It felt alive, vital, crystal clear – It’s hard playing a part so like myself – because it’s me that I am exposing.
Act II is the hardest. I have to stand there, dying of awkwardness, trying to get up the courage to ask Madge, “How do you talk to boys?” That is the hardest scene because – it could have been extracted from my damn Diary.
“Madge — do you think he’ll like me?”
“When it comes to boys, I’m absolutely ignorant.”
It’s so hard. It’s very very hard. It hurts because it’s real.
Reherasal ended and Brett glanced at me. “Need a ride?” I said, “Sure! Thank you!”
Happiness. Contentmet. Why are those sometimes more hard to bear than grief? I can’t stand how happy I am now. The minute I walk into high school, it drops. I slump in my chair. All I can think about is Picnic, Kansas, Millie – Brett, Eric, Joanna, Joanne, Liz, Joe, Jennifer, Linda – Once I walk into high school I start getting worried about things, thing that disappear with them because they’re already out of high school – they’re open and caring – Oh, and also – when I am with them, I feel beautiful. [To my high school friends: I know I also felt the same way about you guys. hahahaha Just have to put that in here!! I think I meant just the actual larger atmosphere of high school.] I mean, I know I’m not ravishingly gorgeous – but – when I’m at the theatre, I feel beautiful. At high school, I am moody and odd. I stick out like a sore thumb.
I gathered my stuff together. I don’t want to pinpoint my emotions in the moment. It just felt good. For a minute, it was awkward – cause Joanna came over and offered me a ride and I didn’t want to sound like, “Oh – I’m going with Brett …” My insecurities rattled through me. I was so worried that she went home in a rage at me. [hahahaha I’m sure she was fine, Sheila. It’s okay. Calm down. Always so so worried.] I said, “Oh – thank you but Brett’s going that way …” I know the words sound snobby – but everybody knows I’m not a snob. We all yelled goodbye to her and Brett said, “Okay – could you wait just a sec – I have to go to my locker.” I lit up in a phony way. “Just like high school!” He whirled around to me and started strangling me. We walked into the back hall and Joe sort of intercepted Brett and Brett looked at me and said, “Could I have just a minute with him?” I almost laughed. I said, “Of COURSE!” But – I feel like such a tagalong sometimes. Such a … I don’t know – just awkward. Of course I started thinking, “They’re talking about me.” Blah blah, I’m so dumb. The world doesn’t rotate around me. At least not exactly around me, [bwahahahahahahaha] So I sat on a lounge bench feeling dumb dumb dumb dumb, wishing I had gone with Joanna. After a while, I heard Brett call my name from the guy’s dressing room. I guess Joe had left. So I wandered down there sort of cautiously. I don’t know what I was expecting in there. Brett called out to me, “Come on in – Don’t worry – the wall isn’t lined with urinals.” [I love that he read my mind THROUGH THE WALLS] Well, it looked just like the girls dressing room – a long table lined with lit mirrors, sinks, lockers. He was standing there putting his tap shoes into his duffel bag. He told me how much fun tap classes are. He was raving about it. We had about three false starts. We got all the way out of the building when he realized he had forgot his script. So we went running back in to get it. We got to the lobby when he stopped. He had forgot his jacket. One more time – he forgot his keys. Ths time he dropped his bag right next to me, said, “Just wait here” and went running back into the theatre.
And finally we were ready to go. We went outside. It was dark and sort of drizzling. The ground was wet. It was a beautiful cool night. Quiet. It was about 11:30 by the time we got out so the parking lot was deserted. We didn’t even talk. I was so aware of the clicking of my shoes. I was just walking and enjoying the sky and being with him.
The silence isn’t uncomfortable. With TS – no matter how at ease I am with him – there’s that little bit that makes it awkward. Silences are AWFUL. TS will start humming. I rack my brains for SOMETHING to say. I hate that. Anne once said to me, “I think our friendship is so cool cause we can just sit and be quiet with each other.”
We had just done Act III. And at one point during that last group scene, I glanced around – as Millie – and saw Brett crying. He had tears in his eyes – it moved me – watching anybody cry, as you know, makes me cry. But watching him. It made me ache inside.
So as we walked towards the parking lot, I said to him suddenly, “You are so good.” I suppose out of the blue that does sound pretty weird cause he glanced at me like WHAT? and I said, “You’re such a good actor, Brett.” He was sort of laughing and saying, “What made you say that?” And I said, “Oh, I was just watching you today. It was real.” We then had to scramble through the ditch to get to the parking lot, and as he climbed up onto the pavement he said, “I’m not just saying this to be modest, but I’m really not. I’ve got a lot to learn. I’ve put SO MUCH time into this one. I mean, Alan is so opposite from me. I’m just trying to get a handle on him.
Oh. An actor. He’s serious about it. And he is one of the nicest people I have ever met. I’m not exaggerating or bullshitting. I MEAN IT.
Okay, we got to his car and he unlocked my door. Right before I got in, this girl’s voice called from a nearby car: “Brett? Could I talk to you for a minute?” I didn’t know who it was but I imeediatley thought that it was Joanna [hahahaha Like she would be like: “Brett? Can I talk to you? I really wanted to drive Sheila home tonight and I really feel like you one-upped me in a way that pisses me off.” hahahaha I was so insecure!] Brett grinned at me, opened the car door for me, and said, “I’ll be right with you” – and I got in – wishing I were dead, wishing I had called for a ride, wishing that the ground would swallow me up so that I could disappear forever.
I waited about 10 minutes. Raindrops started pelting the windows. I kept glancing over at the other car. Brett was leaning in the passenger side window and talking. I DIDN’T WANT TO BE THERE. I have never felt so trapped. I sat in Brett’s car with my hand over my eyes – 10 minutes of aloneness and awkwardness. I kept thinking, “I should have gone with Joanna.”
Finally Brett came back over and got in. It was really raining now. I love the silence in a car with the rain on the roof, so close. He closed the door. The streetlamps were shining so I could see his face. When he got in the atmosphere between us was really charged. He smiled apologetically at me – I smiled back – but his eyes looked sad somehow. I wasn’t about to ask “What” or “Who was that?” (I would have DIED first.) But (I admit humbly) I was also dying to know. But I didn’t want him to feel like he had to tell me, so I didn’t say anything. I just smiled at him. He sat in his seat and sighed, still grinning at me. Maybe I looked a little sad too. I don’t know. While sitting in that car, waiting for him, I suddenly felt totally alone in the world – with the rain closing in on me.
We just sat there quietly. I was staring out at the rain and I could feel that he was looking at me. But it was impossible for me to look at him. I felt like a tagalong. Very young. Brett waved his hand in front of my face to see if I was there, so I smiled at him. Diary, I don’t know what happened to me during that 10 minute wait, but I couldn’t talk. I just couldn’t talk. I like Brett in this way that makes me feel helpless sometimes. When he hugs me backstage, I feel this strength coming from him. It makes me feel strong too.
He didn’t start the car yet. We were both just sitting there, smiling sadly. Brett sighed again, really deeply and said, “If you’ll pardon the expression: Women!” I laughed a little bit and said, “I’m sorry!” “Yeah. As of now you are a spokeswoman for your sex. Sorry about that.” I just shrugged, I couldn’t think of anything to say that wasn’t like: “What was that all about? Who was that girl? Why did she want to talk to you?”
But I didn’t have to ask because he told me anyway. Thinking about the talk we had … He always makes me feel better. Or – at ease. He makes me feel good about myself, and I get to relax when I am with him.
After a silence he said, “Remember Carla from the party?” [The chick who waited til the last minute to get a costume!]
I nodded. “I liked her.”
“I know, so do I. She’s a nice girl – but I don’t know – maybe I’m giving her the wrong idea. I don’t mean to. This always happens to me. She’s acting like such a wounded puppy about it too. She’s been sitting out in her car waiting for me for an hour. It’s really hurting me – I want to let her down, like ‘Sorry, I just don’t care that way for you’ – but if only she wouldn’t act like such a wounded puppy!”
I am not even gonna try to explain how I felt listening to him. [hahahahaha] In the car, with the rain, talking about things with him – life and love – not just Picnic – I said to him (and I don’t know where this came from) “I know how she feels.” [Uhm … do you REALLY not know where that came from???]
I DO! I acted just like Carla with DW – I’d hang around like crazy for him, loitering, waiting. It was horrible.
Brett said, “I know you know. I know it hurts. But what am I supposed to do? A while ago, I invited a few people over for dinner – Liz, and her too – and I guess she got the wrong idea or something. Because she said to me, ‘You want to go for a walk?’ So I said ‘Sure!’ You know – so we went for a walk on the beach and, I don’t know, she just started getting weird – this always seems to happen. Like last summer I worked with this girl and we had a really close relationship. I mean, it might have gone somewhere, but then she called me up and said, ‘We’re getting too serious.’ I was like – What? Where did that come from?”
I was just listening. I couldn’t think of anything to say. Finally I said, “I’ve never been on your end.”
He said, “It’s just as bad.” “Have you told her how you feel?” And he said, “I’ve tried – but how do I got about it – I mean, she’s making me feel awful right now the way she’s acting about it.” I didn’t say anything, just listened. He was staring straight forward out the window. I felt overwhelmed by it. I still do. That we were really honestly talking. He was sharing something with me. I felt so … proud or something. Finally, he looked at me and smiled. The silence grew. That’s another thing: I can look him in the eye. Then he said, finally, “I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t been here. Probably sit here and just talk to myself.” He started the car.
I was clutching my script in my hands. I was tingling. I could feel my toes curl, my hair bristle … [what the fuck? Are you Elpheba?] I felt everything. I’ll never forget our conversation. [which is rather amusing because until I re-read this entry this morning, I had completely forgotten this whole thing.]
Honesty is so beautiful.
The car kept stalling cause of the wet. It stalled at a light. It stalled on South road- and he pulled over – turned it off – and we sat for a minute, waiting. Darkness, speckled windshield. I wanted to hold his hand. Not necessarily romantically. It doesn’t make a difference to me. I have a crush, so what. But I love this guy. I want to be a good friend to him.
When the car started again, Brett started off the conversation with, “So enough about me! What’s up with you?”
I opened my mouth but nothing came out. I leaned my head back. He looked at me. “What? It looks like something’s on your mind.” [See – these are the reasons that I loved Brett, and that I still love Brett. Not just for what he gave me back then but for who he is today. He takes you seriously. He’s intuitive. Like … that little moment: “It looks like something’s on your mind.” Having a guy even NOTICE that something was going on outside his little universe – was a new thing for me. And to have him SAY it … It was hugely relaxing for me. Changed my life – and it changed what I expected of men – later on, when I would have boyfriends, etc. Already – my friendship with Brett had made me see my relationship with TS in a new light.]
When I said honesty is hard – I mean it. I knew what I wanted to say but it took me so long to get it out. The awkwardness with myself is still there. I said, “It’s just that – it’s really rough going back to high school after a rehearsal like tonight – I want everything there to be like it is in the theatre – and it just isn’t.”
Brett said, “Well – we can be ourselves.” “Brett – then why do I –” He knew before I finished what I was gonna say. And he said, “Because. You’re mature. You are somehow out of that mindset. I mean, if you were high school-ish – we all would have blown you off long ago. I mean, you’ll find that the majority of people in college are high school types, and immature – but you’ve already found a group. And you belong with us. You’re one of us.” There was a long pause, and then he exploded, “Sheila. You told me you were 16. It freaked me out. 16?”
Right then he pulled into the driveway. I opened the door, just slightly so that the light came on and I turned back to somehow say good night or thank you to him. Don’t ask me how I knew it, but I somehow knew or felt that he was going to hug me – what was in his eyes and smile said so much more than anything – I could see the hug there – but I am a JERK – he didn’t hug me. That’s why I feel dumb saying that he would have hugged me – he was going to – I could feel it in his smile – that’s where it was. I think something in my face made him not hug me. I really think that’s what it is. I didn’t give him a chance. It’s all blurry to me now. [Really? Sounds to me like you are describing every moment in excruciating detail!]
So no, he didn’t hug me, but his smile warmed me to the tips of my toes. Then he reached out and touched my hair.
I said, “Thank you, Brett.”
He said, “See you tomorrow morning.”
I got out of the car. My heart was pounding. I could feel my upper arms straining because I just wanted to SQUEEZE HIM. As I ran past the front of the car, I waved to him through the windshield and as he pulled out, he beeped good-bye.
Wow, great diary stuff, as always.
In every single episode you have humorous highlights!!
“It’s all blurry to me now. [Really? Sounds to me like you are describing every moment in excruciating detail!]” That is my absolute favorite this time…
I know – hahahahahahaha Like: WHAT exactly was blurry???
“Sheila. You told me you were 16. It freaked me out. 16?”
You know, I predicted this line halfway through the diary entry. I sure Brett can speak for himself, but I’m pretty sure he was thinking, “I just brought a 16 year old girl to a party where a lot of heavy drinking is taking place… I’m surely going to jail, for contributing to the delinquency of a minor!”
What was the drinking age in RI then (if I remember correctly during the early to mid 80s most states raised their drinking ages from 18 to 21.)
The world doesn’t rotate around me. At least not exactly around me.
I think I’m gonna make a T-shirt with that slogan on it… It’ll sell millions (okay, maybe 10s)
The drinking age was 21 at that point – but a couple of years before it had been 18 – RI went back and forth a couple times.
People who were 4 years older than I had ridden a roller coaster of fluctuating drinking ages. Now it’s 18 whoo-hoo! Drink up! Oops – now it’s 19. Stop drinking. Now it’s 21. REALLY STOP DRINKING. Oh well – now it’s 18 again. Drink up. Etc.
Ad nauseum.
JFH – I know, I love that parenthetical!
Not EXACTLY around me … but certainly KINDA around me.
And actually – at this point, Brett was only 20. He was, technically, not supposed to be drinking either.
Great Diary Friday entry – and drinking ages are more of a guideline than a rule, right.
kevin – hahahahahahahahaha
WOW, again I say, WOW!! Sheila I need to email you for another update on the “Picnic” show I am doing. It’s funny, my Millie is 16…and there have been some great things going on..much to much to put in a post. I also have some questions for you…if you don’t mind?
Thanks again for sharing the details of your life, it’s great to know that feelings are a universal thing.
I tell you, Kimber, God bless that man. He elevated the whole experience there. I remember the whole Picnic phenomenon. You can tell how serious the process was taken and because of it the actors were free to really let go. It’s amazing how well you captured the experience of this in your diary. It’s astounding to me really. Your first real experience between the melding of art and life and how magical that can be, how it’s possible to lose ourselves in the act of creation and to create something larger because of it.
I remember when I got there the camps had already been formed (even though Joe C. and Joanne were in the O’Neill’s too) between Joe G. and Kimber. I was already feeling prejudiced against Kimber and all those Kimberites. But when I saw Picnic, I couldn’t wait to work with him. Plus, I felt Joanne and Joe were the best actors in the O’Neills and they loved Kimber. Joe G hated him.
I wish I had kept a journal then too and we could have concurrent, running journals of the same time period.
I remember vividly Brett’s comments to me after the show. I was talking with Joe C. and he came over and said, “Now THIS guy, holy shit, you made me cry, you’re REALLY good.” Or something like that. But it was like the number one Kimberite was conceding that something good came out of the other camp. So generous.
Boy it really brings back how magical being young and innocent was and how easy it was to lose yourself in your work. It’s harder now, but I see it takes that kind of innocence and vulnerability. Sheila, you’re blowing me away with this. As if my 40 page comment wasn’t proof of that.
Some favorites:
//But it was scary. I don’t ever want a boyfriend. It’s all too much for me.// (yup)
//It’s hard playing a part so like myself – because it’s me that I am exposing.// (how does a 16 year old understand and articulate this so well?)
//Happiness. Contentmet. Why are those sometimes more hard to bear than grief? I can’t stand how happy I am now.// (“That’s still a good question for you? Why?” he says, puffing his pipe and jotting down notes in his little book)
//a long table lined with lit mirrors, sinks, lockers.//(sniffle)
//and I got in – wishing I were dead, wishing I had called for a ride, wishing that the ground would swallow me up so that I could disappear forever.// (lest we forget this IS a 16 year old)
david – hahahaha I know!! I was SO awkward still!!! Please let the ground open up RIGHT NOW!!!
I kind of missed the Joe G./Kimber split – because he was pretty much gone by the time I actually was a freshman. Then it became Judith vs. Kimber with a random Ricardo wild-card thrown in. hahahaha
Kimber hated my guts..but granted..i was a mess..so he didnt have much to have confidence in..although i would like to thank him someday..about a year after his class Diane C. and I were working on a scene in Judith’s class and i finally got “it”…ya know..everything that Kimber was teaching..i got”it”… but by then it was too late for a relationship..he really didnt think i could act..except ironically he paid me a compliment after Indian Wants the Bronx…no lie..he said i was honest..of course i was..i was scared shitless..i hadnt learned my lines!!! I never really dealt with the “camps” thing..i was and am a Judith-ite..but i regret not having a real experience with Kimber..i didnt audition for the gay neighbor in Gingham Dog..i was too scared of him and his lack of trust in me…he was not the teacher for me..ya know?
mitchell –
It certainly was a very polarized theatre department … That kinda happened in grad school, too. The people in Garry’s class literally acted as though THEY were getting the BEST education … and sneered at Sam and the students in Sam’s class … (uhm – not you, David. Heh heh – we weren’t in the same year so this does not apply) – but the Garry-ites definitely had this weird arrogance about them (at least in my year) – It was weird, almost like the school split down that line.
And fuggedabout the Geraldine-ites (again, David – I can only speak about my year … hahaha) The Geraldine-ites acted as though they were white-clad acolytes trembling with artistic ecstasy at the feet of the MUSE of ACTING herself. They were in a completely different world. And they felt that the actual, you know, ACTING … sullied their gorgeous fantasies about the purity of art.
This is a HUGE generalization – but that was what happened in my year.
It definitely happened back in college – when there were even more limited options, in terms of professors.
By the way I just got a flashback of WHO played the gay neighbor in Gingham Dog, and I remembered the bell bottoms he wore as his costume, and how awkwardly he carried his prop grocery bag, and I got a shiver of misery at how miscast he was, and how bad that was. What a disaster!! Member??
Of course you do.
By the way – I absolutely loved HOWLING on the sidewalk in front of Alex’s theatre about the whole Indian Wants the Bronx thing and Judith, etc. etc. hahahahahahaha
I find it interesting (amusing?) that the same discussions over what is a good acting teacher/director applies to my environment (e.g. business managers and, back in the day, senior military officers.)
JFH – I think what makes a good teacher is, obviously, different for everyone – especially when it comes to something like acting, when you are dealing directly with your own personality. Some people need a soft gentle atmosphere and that is how they flourish. Others need a more stringent competitive atmosphere – otherwise they get bored and lazy. It’s like finding a therapist. You have to find one that is best for you, helps bring out the best in you.
I was in a very touchy-feely acting class my first year in grad school – and it SO did not work for me. I was bored out of my mind.
However – a friend of mine – one of the best actors I’ve ever met – also took class with that same teacher, and loved it. He still uses a lot of her techniques in his own work.
So it truly depends.
JFH..i think the nature of teachers/mentors is the same in every situation..we align oursleves with the people who we think have confidence in us and hope that they have our best interests at heart…in my case my trust in my mentor was well founded..she pushed me, she criticized me, she praised me…i learned how to pick mentors well as a result…Sheila and David are my friends and peers but also my mentors..i have very good taste.
//we align oursleves with the people who we think have confidence in us //
I love that!! I so agree.
and Sheil..the bell-bottoms..hah..i wish i had conquered my fear of Kimber and done that play…especially when i found out that he planned on casting me and was wondering why i didnt audition..of course the fact that he told the faculty that i didnt have any talent..may have given him a clue!?
That show would definitely be a good do-over. It wasn’t at all what it could have been.
I did love the shoes I got to wear in it, though.
Michell,
You’re a great observer of human behavior. Good leaders/mentors work in specific situations where their skills/personality fit their followers and situation. GREAT leaders/mentors can change their style based on the follower(s) they’re dealing with.
very true..even in acting class..Judith would teach each of us as we needed..she was pals with some,mother-ish to others and a hard ass to lazy ,cocky students like me. As a head councelor i find it takes a lot of individual analyses to have each of my wards learn what i need them to learn..thats the fun of it..and yet to remain consistent to ones ideals at the same time…tough but worthwhile.
sheil..remind of ur shoes..i can feeel a giggle rising and i can barely remember them..but i remember u being more into them than u were to the show!
They were like spats – and two toned- white and black – with HEELS. They were so so retro and hip and 60s. EARLY 60s, because you know – my character was already a throwback.
I loved them. And yes – I was more into my shoes than I was into my performance. hahahahaha.
Yeah, Judith wasn’t even in my radar in that first year. Once I met her, all bets were off. She was it for me.
//The Geraldine-ites acted as though they were white-clad acolytes trembling with artistic ecstasy at the feet of the MUSE of ACTING herself. They were in a completely different world. And they felt that the actual, you know, ACTING … sullied their gorgeous fantasies about the purity of art.// {hahahahahahahahahahaha} That’s fucking brilliant Sheila!!!
The same was true in my grad class…to a tee. The Garyites were the only ones doing the “true” work and the Geraldonians were at the altar. Of course I studied with all of them and I’m a better man for it.
Mitchell you have amazing tast and I whenever I’m feeling the demons of worthlessness attack me I look at the people you surround yourself with, see their amazingness, and realize I’m one of them, so I can’t be that bad. Although I was convinced Alex was going to tell you and Sheila that you made a mistake and had to move on with your lives without me. Now I desparately need Alex in my life on a daily basis. I even had a phenomenal dream about her the other night.
This all happend almost 22 years ago!! Holy shit. And here we are discussing it on Sheila’s blog.
Alex actually did pull me aside privately (in between blowing Mitchell at the Mexican restaurant and re-enacting Whatever Happened to Baby Jane on the sidewalk) and said: “I actually feel really awkward with David and wondered why you loved him so much.”
I forgot to tell you that.
i know..crazy! such formative years! David ..remember when ur mother asked if we ever fooled around in college and when i said no..she was mad(comically) that i thought u werent good enough..hahahaha…of course the fact that ur str8 might have had something to do with it..but that day on Greenview just popped into my head…talk about formative…David ..you are the best friend a man can have!! And a sweet ass to boot!!! I aint proud of it..but i aint above it neither!
At any moment some courtesans will start burning.
My fiance Miss Sleep is still burning.
yeah..now that i think of it..every time u turned ur head..Alex would make a cutting gesture across her neck and then point to u..i didnt get it until just this second..weird!
This is a person named Eunice?
That’s not funny.
u respond to that but not to the fact that i said u are the best friend a man can have?????????
Alex loves me.
and what’s with this?
In an effort to curb malicious comment posting by abusive users, I’ve enabled a feature that requires a weblog commenter to wait a short amount of time before being able to post again. Please try to post your comment again in a short while. Thanks for your patience.
hahahahahahah!!
I have issues.
Oh yeah. I get that sometimes too, David. On my own blog!! It’s engineered to curtail spam attacks on the comments section.
So wait 2 seconds, and try again!!
mitchell – hahahaha
Yeah, he totally blows off that awesome compliment! hahaha
I LOVE YOU DAVID. RUMSPRINGA SOON PLEASE.
Don’t you just want to hold and kiss Brett for how he handled our Sheila? Talk about an armored car!
i hope every guy who comes on this site has a friend like David…its like hanging out with a 9yr old best friend…giggling about poop and boobies..AND like having the wisest father/brother /teacher to help you deal with the stuff of life. As a gay man and a str8 man we have the unique(seemingly)oppurtunity to experience a deep,intimate realtionship without all of the usual “male” stuff that can muck up close frienships…we dont compete over women,men,sports,career..we dont adopt macho stances at the expense of closeness..we just love and laugh..i am a lucky lucky man!!!
i remember when things were less good between Sheila and I and also between her and Brett..i got a glimpse of of the sacred texts known as Sheila’s diaries…what a gift.
I too love being friends with David although I am still pissed about the time he tried to stick his car key in my ass.
Sacred texts!! hahahahaha
Also – David and Mitchell together are a comedy steamroller. It’s so STUPID and so FUNNY that all you can do is sit back in AWE.
The two of you choreographing the whole ‘Ladies and gentlemen … CHITA” thing … by yourselves in the apartment … weren’t Maria and Jackie and I gone? And we came back only to find you doing THAT??
Am I remembering that right?
I’m laughing out loud.
BWWWAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH…whaaaaat????? Was I there??? he’s never tried to stick anything in my ass!!!!..well thats not technically true…but i do remember him bending Jeremy over his couch and pretending to hump him as my sweet repressed boyfriend’s face was planted in one of Maria’s pretty couch pillows!!! Now thats a best friend..he fake ass-rapes ur uptight pretty-boy boyfriend as a way of letting u know he approves!!! What a guy!
you ladies were at a “gash” group and i made my sweet friend watch the Tony awards..which prompted the “faux Chita Rivera intro” game!!! That we STILL do!!! Im not even sure he knew who she was at the time??? did’ya Dave?
Mitchell – I can’t remember the context – (which is funny in and of itself) – but it was in Chicago, and he was giving me a ride home, and I think I had to climb over the front seat to get to the passenger side or something, and it was at the end of a long day – I was tired – and I clambered into the car – and at that moment, David pretended to put his car key in my ass.
David does a very funny imitation of my exhausted exasperated response. like: “Come ON … I’m just tryin’ to get in the car …”
god forbid jeremy reads this thread!
Mitchell – gash group! HAHAHAHAHAH Right!!!! And we all come back to the apartment for coffee, and the two of you have been doing “Ladies and gentlemen … CHITA …” for HOURS.
“A womannnnnnnnn….”
i speak from the land of kimber. our planet was built from the inside out. we love it. but sometimes it means that we forget things like trees and streets on the final polish.
we have visited the planet of judith, a wonderfully detailed diorama that occasionally crumples in a slight wind because…oops! it’s hollow!
our societies have warred for too long. the great kimber also wanted mitchell for ‘biloxi blues’, and any other time a gay character was needed. intermingling has occurred between the camps, as when judith cast me in ‘hay fever’.
i will tell you this, however. a guido directed by kimber would never have attacked a clown. (my lawyers will be calling you, david…)
” pudendum extraoidanaire”! ridiculous! I recently made him watch Liza with a Z..and he loved her so much..that he anounced that she was better than her mother…at which point i said “dont get crazy!. Haaaa..the best firend indeed!
you clowns stunk up the joint..we were doing art and u were spraying seltzer bottles while wearing big shoes!!!
I loved the clowns! I actually loved that whole night of theatre – except – wasn’t there some OTHER theme in the middle of all of it?
We had the clowns, the guidos and … what was the third?
Brendan..we havent seen each other act in 20 yrs!! Thats too long! Hopefully we’ve both learned to steal from both camps as the years have gone on!
MASKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Remind me. I have blocked it out completely.
Was it heinous?? Help me – I have no memory of it.
i hate ren-faires,puppets, comedia-del arte and mask-work..and id rather watch a Phyllicia Rashad marathon than sit through one more restoration comedy!
no..not heinous…jackie was in it…why hide a beautiful, funny, expressive face like Jackie’s behind a mask..i get the historical context of that stuff..bores me to the nth!!!
I absolutely love that you hate Phylicia Rashad and feckin’ restoration comedy.
I can’t stop laughing.
Speaking of ren-faires: Member that INSANE night of laughter with you, me and Jim S. about Sally?
“And she was lauuuughin’ …”
You, about Sally’s small son: “He knows his mother is an idiot. He doesn’t want to hang out with the Renaissance frillies.”
Do you remember saying that that crazy night? With you me and Jim sleeping in separate rooms, and calling to one another about SALLY and then LOSING IT … for, like, 45 minutes??
jackie was in that one. i remember her boobies pushed up in that corset.
i think it wasn’t bad, though.
and, mitchell, yes, that is sad. i just thank the lord i worked with judith first.
here’s my view…loved being directed by judith. the class didn’t do it for me because you didn’t wind up working with her. you had to work with other students. but as a director? wow.
Now I remember. Yes – Jackie was great in that.
oh.my.god. it was at Ste’s apt in providence…howling..i think Jim said..”i was in a hot tub with sally and she was laaaauuuggghhin’!”
hahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Yes – at Ste’s apartment!!
hahahahahaha
Like – Jim? You were NOT in a hot tub with Sally. Okay? You just were NOT.
Judith was an unbeLIEVable director. I am STILL amazed by some of the shit she pulled. I mean – the opium den scene in Edwin Drood? Like – what???
i loved class with Judith..but i was usually paired with Diane..and she was a fantastic scene partner…i think i got special attention from Judith for some reason..she would say..”i believe you” or “i dont believe you”…that worked for me..because what she meant was that if i didnt believe it..no one would…she knew my tricks and wouldnt let me repeat myself…great training for me…i forgot about Biloxi Blues but David F. was sooo good wasnt he.
Yeah – David was great in Biloxi. I liked that show a lot.
I think perhaps Judith recognized, Mitchell, that you had been adrift for TWO YEARS in the department (because you have to go thru the Kimber gauntlet in order to move on – and if you didn’t click with Kimber, you were fucked) – and it was a shame, because you’re a huge talent. I think Judith probably recognized your huge gift, and felt like: Okay, we need to get up to speed with this kid … He’s been ignored for 2 years.
Diane was so good. I still remember the final class project you all did of Sister Mary Ignatius – Nancy was great – in that fuckin’ habit on the Will Stage.
Bren..i dont even think u and I ever had a real scene together… although i still laugh about Nancy falling on stage during Hayfever..we have that memory together..she bounced up sooo fast ..it appeared taht she was rubber…her face was so red with anger and shame…i thought Brooke and I would pee ourselves on stage!!! Do u remember??
david f. was amazing. my memory of drood is like that of the kid who never plays on the championship little league team. never interacted with the cast backstage ONCE, never a part of the ACTUAL story. very bitter about that.
that is my big regret about uri that i never got to sing my own song in a musical.
My experience with Kimber was a-typical. It pre-dated me being an actual student of his – which I think made a huge difference.
nancy falling is still one of the most hilarious moments ever. i remember smirking at her from richard’s point of view and that was when i knew i loved acting.
Mitchell – wasn’t Nancy wearing that pink balloon skirt when she fell?
bren – you were so so so funny as richard.
“Ohhhh Richard ….”
“I’m afraid I couldn’t help it …”
And also how absolutely TERRIFIED you were of the maid. You literally cowered in fear every time Jackie came onstage.
hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
yeah…wow…i dont even remember my life as well as u do…i cant remember what i did that night..but Diane is sooo talented..im sure she is a hell of a teacher…soo smart and funny..thre were theater majors who didnt take the work as seriuosly as she did..so generous.
Yeah – she was so so dedicated. And fearless.
Oh I’m in heaven, Brendan’s in the mix.
Mitchell, you’re making me tear up over here.
The moment when you told me, “Don’t get crazy.” was one of the funniest, most serious moments ever!! Here I was, at 40, finally becoming a Liza convert, having real epiphanies about performers, and even though the mood was one of complete Liza love and we were both caught up in it, I crossed a line. No matter how caught up we were, you got DEAD serious and made me STOP RIGHT THERE! HAHA! You were even a little angry at me.
So priceless. I love:
Sheila
Mitchell
Brendan
Liza
but have yet to even begin the journey to
Judy
Bren..im dying…Richard was very funny..and was rightly frightened of Clara(jackie played her a scottish lebian gym-teacher cum maid)…there was a piece of staging that Judith had to cut because i could NOT get thru it without laughing at Jackie on stage..Judith was pissed ..we were like babies..but i couldnt look her in the eye!!
That was like when Jackie and I had to be angry frightened maids – during the dinner-party scene in Drood. (Genius, first of all – the drippy candles, Tony Cinnelli – and David F as the crazed butler with the deformed hand – hahahahahaha) At one moment during the music – Jackie and I had to look right at each other, in horror – and we could NEVER do it. We COULD. NOT. DO IT.
I’m bitter about Hayfever!
Yet I have noone to blame but myself.
We must all go to RI and do a musical that Judith directs and Brendan gets a show stopping solo!!
so funny..i take my diva’s very seriously! its the gay equivalent of sports stats and team loyalty..not that the gays dont like sports..but u know what i mean..its the same energy..next time i come i’ll bring Judy and u’ll see her specific and extrordinary gift.
Is “IIIIIII’ll fetch ya some” from Hayfever?
“This Haddock is disgusting”
David – hahahahahaha You got so enthusiastic you didn’t realize there was a line you just DO. NOT. CROSS.
“Talk talk talk, everybody talks too much.”
Mitchell,
Then I’ll say something like, “Wow, she blows Barbra away!” And you’ll cut out my tongue or something.
does anyone remember alec in the molieres? he was hilarious as the father of the bride. we had a wagon that folded out into a house, steps leading up either side. we did a whole chase scene where we went up and over twice, the third time i stop before the window and he goes through, creating the illusion that i’ve disappeared. he runs down the steps, i pop my head out the window and he flies into a rage.
well, one time alec tripped as he went by the last time and i remember vividly seeing him fly through the air snarling in clown makeup, hit the ground, tumble three times…he really hurt himself. and i pointed at him and laughed and he shook his fist at me. ALL TOTALLY REAL KIMBER ACTING IN CLOWN MAKEUP.
yeah Bren..id love to see u center stage in a musical…God..the dream of all working together again someday!!!!!
//i remember vividly seeing him fly through the air snarling in clown makeup//
I am laughing so hard right now that it literally hurts ……………………………………………..
I must admit, I remember nothing about the clowns or the masks.
It was all about the paesans for me.
Alec was best when he was undignified..that is so funny..ironically..im the one who works with clowns on a regular basis!!!
you don’t remember punching my arm while i was in clown makup until i cried you asshole?
david…u and I exited that play almsot naked ..wearing nothing but skimpy and stupid animal print briefs…acting like we were Pacino and Deniro…i loved the clowns..but i dont really remember the masks..i think i blocked out everything but Jackies boobs..glorious!! and David ..do u remember dry humping jeremy???
I remember the whole “key in the ass episode” like it was yesterday. I think it was in the same place where we almost got mugged, right?
I felt like a 10 year old getting chastised by the teacher for making fart noises. You had HAD it with me.
Mitchell – do you remember his snorting demon that he did once in Anne Scurria’s class – member we had to pick an image and then move as the image? And he sat up there, red-faced, snorting like a dragon?? You murmured to me during all of this: “What was his image? Demon Dogs from Hell?”
I totally remember dry humping Jeremy! But I do not remember punching you in the arm until you almost cried Brendan. I think you’re making it up. You’ve always had an overactive imagination. I would never do something like that.
thats right..u boys were kind of at each others throats during those shows…im sure it was seriuos to u at the time..but the visual to the observer was sooo goddamned funny..a clown and a guido being passive-aggressively hsotile and coming to blows….hhahhhahahahahah
cripes Sheila…i remember it now that u mention it…u are amazing..speaking of Diva’s…there is agreat documentary about Judy on TCM..right now!
what is this, let’s dig up all the things David did to the O’Malley’s that crossed the line?
“Oh, Mr. O! Pass da putaytas huh? Damn your daughter’s got some knockers huh?”
it began as a joke in the dressing room…you guys were getting into character by devolving into scarface parodies and we were lacing up our big shoes. in my memory, it goes something like this…
David (GUIDO): Move, clown.
Brendan (CLOWN): I think you’re standing on my wig.
GUIDO: Move, clown.
CLOWN: I’ve got confetti and I’m not afraid to use it.
GUIDO: Move, clown.
Etc. etc.
hahahahahaha!
I don’t know why I have such a crazy memory!! I even remember that we were doing dueling-images in the exercise – and Kate was being a yellow smiley-face pin. And she was bouncing around the room – and leaping around the snorting Devil Dog in the center …
I mean … what?
that is a brilliant scene!!!!
Maria’s home from work and I’m over here typing ferociously and after that last post by Brendan, howling with laughter, and she’s like, “What the fuck is going on over there! I’m on a conference call!”
Brendan, do you remember the time in Chicago over my buddy Brian’s apartment when we kind of got into it again? We were watching a foot ball game. I have vague memories of making Brian a little uncomfortable.
and to respond to an earlier comment David..i love Barbra..but Judy is still the best.
i have to leave the house!!! i never want this to end!!! ever!!!
HA!!! yes, i do. and we had to keep reassuring him that we loved each other…
hee hee!
OK, I have to go walk the dog and get the kids…all posting must cease now!
i remember that time at Brians…too many alpha males in one room
I miss you tons Brendan. I can’t wait to see you again!
Love to you all! You’re the best people on the planet!!
im outie!!!! i miss u all!!!!!!
I just have to throw in that I loved this line:
“watching anybody cry, as you know, makes me cry.”
Same thing with me, but what made me laugh is the “as you know”. As you know, Diary, … I just love that you are having a conversation with your Diary.
hahaha Right, “as we have discussed many many times before, small loose-leaf notebook, I cry when others cry …”
I must add my own two cents- I was briefly in the theatre department at URI. I took one class with Kimber. Suffice it say he hated me. I told him to fuck off, he flunked me. I had to take the class over again with Ricardo. Got an A.
I remember the final show your class did, Beth – it was in J Studio, right? At least that’s where I remember it. It was great.
Spam attack on this and surrounding posts. grrrr. closing comments.