Diary Friday

More Picnic … although this one has more to do with what was going on outside of Picnic. I can hear in my own writing that I was getting kind of manic. I also have boyfriend problems.

November 18

The Homecoming Dance is this Wednesday. If I wasn’t so busy – if I wasn’t even in Picnic – I know that I would have called TS [That’s okay, Sheila. If you don’t go to the Homecoming Dance in the 1980s, then you will go see “Poseidon” with him in 2006! Never fear!] – but just being in Picnic is making my life so complicated. I mean, I’m enjoying it so much, but it’s kind of like culture shock. No one can know how terrific everyone is, how much they make me feel like I belong – that is culture shock, and I spend a lot of time wondering: “How can they like me?” But they DO!

After last Tuesday’s rehearsal, I had just watched Liz really weep during that last scene – and it made me – instead of, getting high it made me really down. It was a lot of things. Tuesday sucked as a day. I had read in school that sometimes pregnat Jewish women in concentration camps had their legs tied together during labor – I couldn’t believe the shock of hatred that I felt. Pure hatred. That started it.

When Kimber gave us notes after rehearsal, I sat quietly on the stage. I felt so down. It hit me that time is running out, and soon Picnic won’t be a part of my everyday life anymore. Diary – what will I do – I’m gonna wither away and die – I am. I was sitting opposite from Brett. He kept nudging my knee with his foot and smiling at me. But even that made me feel like crying. People being nice to me makes me cry – especially him. They love me. Oh, I can’t help it but think Why? He just kept giving me these fond friendly smiles that were cracking my heart. After Kimber’s notes, Lenny offered me a ride. I said, “Sure” very unenthusiastically. Lenny’s kind of a leech. He’s always just touching my shoulder, and I feel like saying, “Lenny, just go away.” He offers me a ride a lot but usually someone else offers before he does. I mean, I can’t say no to him and then say yes to Joanna or Brett 2 minutes later. Besides, I’m not scared of him. He’s about a foot shorter than I am. [hahahahahaha]

I was quite a drip – I got my stuff, but I felt depressed. I just felt very lost and very alienated and lone. I felt like I was gonna start crying any damn minute and that confused me because I didn’t know why. Lenny had to go get his stuff together in the guys dressing room so I just stood in the lounge. Brett came out from backstage and saw me. He is SO NICE. He came to me and hugged me – God, did I need that – and he said as he hugged me, “God, we are really gonna miss you when all this is over!” [How did he know?? How did he know that that was what I was dreading?] He said, “You better come around and visit us.” I will too. That’s the only way I’ll make it. Somehow, he instinctively pinpointed what was bugging me – and he knew – he was right. I said into his shoulder, “You’ve been such a good friend to me,” and he squeezed me tighter. Then Lenny came along saying, “Ready to go?”

I backed away from Brett. Here’s the thing. I don’t have a crush on Brett. I just have this fondness for him – and he seems to have this friendly loving air and I really sense it, pick up on it, respond to it, love it.

Lenny sort of whirlwinded by [“whirlwinded”? Oh my God, I so love that and need to use it all the time now], yelling goodbye to people – I called goodbye to other Picnic people too – and said, “Goodnight Brett” – really casually – as I walked by him, and he grinned at me, really warmly, very REAL, and reached out and squeezed my hand and said, “Good night.”

The thing is – it doesn’t feel sappy and goopy. It’s just friendly.

Last night I suddenly had the urge to call TS, talk to him, I miss him, I couldn’t get him out of my mind. Picnic has boosted my confidence. Brett was right. I really don’t feel afraid of TS anymore – afraid of being open or vulnerable. I think a lot that if TS had gotten into Picnic too, it’d be really hard for me to have him there. Because I ask him, “How’s your life?” and he can’t even give me a straight answer – so he makes me feel like an idiot for asking it – as though it were this big infringement on his privacy – I suppose I have been brooding about him lately. So last night I went into my parents room to call him. The line was busy about 5 times. I tried Kate, Beth, J. – No one was home. God, I had this need to talk to someone.

Finally I heard it ring. (Oh Diary, it felt so identical to the time I called DW – when I heard the ring, I almost felt this desperation – hesitation – I hadn’t planned at all what to say or how to say it.)

H. answered – asked who was calling. I said, “Sheila.” God, Diary – just telling her my name made me feel so scared and unshielded. Then I heard her voice way in the distance, “TS! It’s Sheila on the phone!” What was he thinking about? I heard these clattering footsteps and then his voice. The minute I heard his voice, I warmed to it. I could feel my nervousness crack away. I still felt awkward (Good Lord, I’ll always feel awkward). But his voice when he said, “Hi” – it was really drawn out. I could almost see his smile. The TS grin when things get deep. Even when I’m not with him, or looking at him, I sit there and flinch – I cover my eyes, wring my sweater, tug at my hair. I had NO idea how to start. It’s been so so so long since we talked. So there was this pause after the “Hi”s and I jumped in. Sink or swim. All or nothing.

So I — I became myself. I said, “TS, I called to say that I’m sorry about how long we haven’t talked. It’s been so long and I’m sorry.” [Jesus, 16 year old Sheila, you are my hero right now.]

All this time I have been thinking, “Well, shit, it can’t be life or death to TS either. Otherwise he would have called. How important can it be to him?” But when I said that, he immediately said, simultaneously with me, “I know – yeah – I know” – Like it’s been something he has noticed, and does think about it.

[Excuse me if I have a more cynical response now. That’s what experience will do to you.

Oh – and this entry appears to just end there – to be picked up later, I suppose.]

NOVEMBER 21

Thanksgiving is tomorrow. I have a 3-day break in which to catch you up with EVERYTHING. Because tonight is the Homecoming Dance, which I asked TS to during that conversation I left off with. But I don’t know what I’m feeling. DW will be at the dance too – all alumnae are invited back – and strangely enough, I’m looking forward to seeing DW. I’m so unshaky about him now. I am on firm ground.

But the whole TS thing. Oh Diary, you are honestly the only one I can tell this to in full detail because my friends are bored to death hearing graphic descriptions of every rehearsal – but in here (when I have the time) I can tell it all. I haven’t nearly told it all. There’s so much. It’ls piling up.

I think it’s rare for a person to have a truly honest to God unblemished A plus day but yesterday – looking over my entire life – that was the most fun I think I have ever had, the happiest I’ve ever been. I think about it and I still feel warm and GOOD inside. Yesterday was the best day of my life. (And don’t read that as a cliche.) [Hahahaha I am preemptively chastising my own journal.]

First of all, I missed periods 2, 3, and 4 (Physiology, English, and Drama) because our Drama class went to see the Looking Glass Theatre’s production of Antigone. I was so so psyched to see it cause Marvin was gonna be in it. You don’t know how much I was looking forward to it or how much I really liked him at the party. He was so nice. I won’t forget it. He offered me a beer. I said, “No thanks”. and totally casually, he said, “Well, we have alternate drinks if you want, soda …” I don’t know why but just that one moment made me feel so great, it put me straightaway at ease, cause I had gone to that party trembling – thining that I would be forced to drink [hahahahaha] or made to feel dumb if I didn’t. And he DIDN’T CARE that I was in high school. We talked as though there was no age difference. He really made an impression on me, I guess, and he’s in Antigone – and I was afraid that he wouldn’t remember me.

He was wonderful as Creon. He was better than everyone else, I think. When he first came on, I almost squealed, “Oh! There he is!” All I could think of, though, was him with his spiked hair, his “I’m scared” sign, and bugged eyes. It felt so special – I don’t know – I just really felt “in” – like – I know him – from my whole other life outside of high school, that is so important to me, and so with me every second – It’s weird to have this whole other life without my friends. I am not used to it. I have to rely on myself. Especially with Brett. The interpretation is left up to me cause no one else is there to tell me what they see.

Oh yesterday. [love was such an easy game to play …] I still can’t believe how purely wonderful it was.

After the play, they were gonna set up Creon’s trial and have people in the audience participate, call up witnesses from the cast, etc. There was about a 10 minute break, and Marvin was just sitting on the edge of the stage, looking out.

Then something happened to me. I got so shy. It felt like I wanted to go ask him to dance, for Pete’s sake. I only wanted to go say hi! I mean, it’s not even like I have a crush on him. I don’t know why I’m so shy. Or afraid. I get so sick of it, but I can’t help it. It was like this Start/Stop thing. But I knew that I really just wanted to go say hi and I’d be really mad if I didn’t. Kate knew, Kate understood. She prodded me. “Just go do it, Sheil. Go on. He’s alone. Go. I love you.”

The strength her words gave me! [hahaha I am so dramatic. But it is all sincere.] So I took a deep breath and stood up. I remember thinking – “Here I go.” I know it doesn’t seem like a biggie, but it honestly was to me. So I went down the aisle towards him.

________________________________________________
[Yes – that line is really there, drawn by me. I completely stop in the middle of this CLIFFHANGER … and change topics.]

Just came home from the Homecoming Dance. All I’m gonna do this vacation is write in here. Maybe I’ll come up with some answers.

Tuesday, November 20 – (remember that date as THE best day of my life so far) – and today were so wonderful. I mean this morning I was still bouncing off the walls.

November 22 Thanksgiving

Here I am in the car. We’re on our way up to Mama’s. I really hope today cheers me up because I’m not doing too well. I don’t know what to do. Everything is so bizarre right now because it’s all happening at once. I’m at a loss. On Saturday night – on the phone with TS – once I got out my first “I’m sorry we don’t talk anymore” – it wasn’t me doing all the work. For once in my life. [Enjoy it while it lasts, Sheil-babe!] He was saying how awful he felt – “I called you a few times, but you were never home.” I was thinking inside – Thank God. He has been thinking of me. Then, even better, he said, “I wrote you a letter but I haven’t gotten a chance to send it.” I felt like everything inside me caved in. A boy cares about me? It moves me. It makes me feel sad for some reason. I don’t know. It’s so hard to get down to the point with TS, because he always has to tell jokes. I feel so unworthy all the time. But then I try to convince myself to cut the crap and then I feel all warm and choked up inside. That happened to me on the phone, just thinking about him sitting down to write to me, noticing our lack of contact and wanting to do something about it. I want to read that letter. I almost wish I hadn’t called so that I could have gotten it. But he told me some of what the letter said. It said, “Sheila, please call me. Please call me.” Am I worthy? I’m so touched and emotional and very deeply in love. [hahahahahaha] My heart is bursting. I am bursting.

But then when I’m at rehearsal, I totally forget about TS. [hahahahahaha] Things are moving at break-neck speed. My emotions are flying. I am a crazy woman.

Boy has Picnic helped me. I really do think it’s Picnic’s fault. I can say my feelings so much more honestly now. I mean, I can express what I’m feeling, come right out and say it.

And we admitted things to each other that we never talk about. It’s always underlying thoughts when I’m with him, like, “Why do I act like such a flake, only with him?” “Why am I so scared?” “Why am I awkward?” But I never say these things to him. I am afraid he will laugh at me. And he would. Probably without knowing it hurt me. Whenever either of us tries to say something serious, TS gets real uneasy and makes a joke or a flip remark. It bugs me. Maybe I’m a serious person. I mean, laughing is my favorite thing in the world – but I like talking seriously about important things better. I get scared with TS. I really have this feeling that he would laugh at me. But oh my God – on the phone – I am so crazy about him! I am CRAZY about him. I am FLIPPING over him.

He said, “We’re awkward with each other, Sheila.”

Oh really, TS? I hadn’t noticed.

Then – oh dear – he said, “I’m not awkward with anyone but you.”

When I told Anne that, she said, “Shit.” [hahahahahahahaha]

I sat there and I could feel myself oozing in eternal directions. [“oozing in eternal directions”???? That’s kind of fabulous.] I felt tension in my arms and necks. We talked about how bad we felt, it was this big outpouring.

He said to me, “When I saw you at Anne’s, I thought you were gonna shoot me.”

Oh my God, it bothered him like it bothered me. We had a really long talk – very subtle hints towards talking about “us” but not quite confronting it. It’ll take a lot to get TS to confront anything. He said to me, “I wrote you a letter because it’s hard for me to say it out loud, or to your face, or over the phone …” [or in a smoke signal, or in Morse code, or from a space ship, or from deep inside the well, or from the airplane, or from the trapeze …]

Finally he told me he had to go because he had to call Matt to see if they were gonna go see a play, so I said, “Fine. Sure.” And after a pause he said, “Thanks for calling.” Sincerely.

When we hung up I felt so good about myself. I wished that I could slap myself on the back. I wanted to scream: SHEILA, I LOVE BEING YOU! I was trembling.

About a 1/2 hour later, he called back, saying that Matt had already left so he obviously called to just talk more with me. We just blabbed, about movies, cable TV [that brand-new technology!!], Picnic –

I get nauseated thinking how close Picnic is.

And just before we hung up, I remembered that the Homecoming Dance was this Wednesday. So I said, “Wait a minute” – and he waited and I sat there quietly, trying to compose myself. I have never asked a guy anwhere spur of the moment. It takes me a day to get up my courage. He waited, and I just – I thought I could feel myself get scared and shaky but I finally blurted, “Are you free Wednesday night?” He said, “Yeah. Why.” I said, “Well – there’s the Homecoming Dance at school … ” So he said yes, and we planned to just meet at the gym.

Then we hung up.

I had to go sit down to think this over. I didn’t have time to think about it before, so it was almost a breather for me. Like: “Dear Lord, I’m going to a semiformal dance with him.”

Other Picnic entries:

Part 1. The audition
Part 2: The callbacks, getting into the play
Part 3: First meeting with the director
Part 4. The calm before the storm … the time before rehearsals started … memorizing lines, etc.
Part 5. Rehearsals start
Part 6. Rehearsals. Stress building.
Part 7. Crush with Brett intensifying. Finding my own way as an actress. Stress building.
Part 8. Dropping out of religious retreat with much sturm und drang.
Part 9. Being invited to college party
Part 10. Going to college party
Part 11. Aftermath of college party!
Part 12. Rehearsals! Life! Going crazy!
Part 13. The rehearsal when the play clicks into place, emotionally.