Diary Friday

Next installment in the Picnic adventure.

Part 1. The audition
Part 2: The callbacks, getting into the play
Part 3: First meeting with the director
Part 4. The calm before the storm … the time before rehearsals started … memorizing lines, etc.
Part 5. Rehearsals start
Part 6. Rehearsals. Stress building.
Part 7. Crush with Brett intensifying. Finding my own way as an actress. Stress building.
Part 8. Dropping out of religious retreat with much sturm und drang.
Part 9. Being invited to college party
Part 10. Going to college party
Part 11. Aftermath of college party!
Part 12. Rehearsals! Life! Going crazy!

I love these couple of entries because – there’s a moment in every rehearsal period where the show CLICKS. You “get it”. It might not be perfect, you might still have stuff to work out – but the thing, as a whole, CLICKS. These entries describe that moment. I would never have such a meltdown NOW (like the one I describe in the entry below – it’s a very beginning-actress kind of thing to do, to just dissolve into tears like that) – but this was the first time I really felt the potential of what acting could be. I had arrived.

NOVEMBER 13

Things are happening too fast to even write them down. [That’s called Life, Sheila.] Every day is a new adventure. I wake up and think, “I wonder what’s gonna happen today!”

Tonight’s rehearsal — Diary, I am so high! I’m still fizzling and excited – Tonight was the best it’s ever felt. The best I feel I’ve ever done as an actress. It was incredible. But rough. Before I enter for my date – I wanted to get myself honest-to-God nervous – totally panicked – Because I haven’t been before – I haven’t REALLY felt nervous – and I don’t think that later, when he goes with Madge – I have really felt heartbroken.

Oh Diary.

Tonight was SO WONDERFUL. I feel so good about what I did! I spent about 5 minutes alone backstage, pacing crazily, getting out of breath – just the physicality of all of that made me nervous. I recollect those nauseating moments before TS dates, or before I asked DW to dance. It really helped me. And my scene with Joanna – the “How do you talk to boys” scene – the pauses felt so real. I felt real. She was giving me so much and it was real. It was so nervewracking. And then – when Eric started to dance with Joanna – and they were waltzing really close, eyes closed – I couldn’t bear my own feelings. I felt cracked in two. I actually felt this. I was not acting. It was SCARY. Playing someone so much like myself, experiencing things that really hurt – and I imagined myself as Millie after the Picnic – lying in bed with tears rolling down my cheeks, and feeling despair that – Tomorrow is the first day of school – oh my God – I can’t go back there – Total despair.

And everything.

I burst out crying – Brett came running over – Liz came running over – and said her line, “What happened?” And Brett said his line, “I smell whiskey, Mrs. Owens”, smoothing down my hair. Liz reached out and hugged me.

Last night I really started seeing Joanna as my sister. She is not an actress – she is my sister. I really have to work on my relationship with her.

November 15

I had a riotous 3 day weekend. But I just came home from rehearsal. Diary – this is gonna be like trying to describe the retreat. But dear Lord, this was right up there with that!

Last night was really bad. First of all, tonight we videotaped it to watch it later and see our mistakes. At first I felt really removed from it – I was just saying my lines, and it bummed me out. I didn’t know what was wrong.

Then during Act II, some of us had to get there early so Brian Jones could choreograph. That was WICKED FUN. [Brian!! Scroll down here to take a look at this man’s EXTRAORDINARY career. He’s a celebrity in Rhode Island, certainly – I’ve been out to dinner with him and we can barely get two sentences out because of all the people who stop by to say Hello and Thank you. His fame is larger than Rhode Island, though – anyone who is still a vaudeville freak, or a tap-dancing fanatic has probably heard of Brian Jones. All I can say is – he is absolutely amazing. And here’s a strange time-travel moment: Years and years and years later – I went to Liz’s wedding – the girl mentioned in these posts all the time. And Brian was there – I hadn’t seen him in a couple of years – and he and I literally spent HOURS at the wedding reception dancing together. You haven’t danced until you’ve been led by Brian. You literally CANNOT look bad when you dance with him. Brian and I could not stop. We would dance out of the French doors, we danced around the patio, we would dance up and down the steps, we would dance back IN the French doors, we went from room to room … Literally. For hours. So much fun. Anyway – just too funny to see this “first encounter” with him – here in my teenage diary.] Jitterbug, lindy, foxtrot. I’m not very good but it was fun. Joanne is one of my favorite people in the world – I love her so much no one would even believe it. Everybody.

So I did my screaming in Act II, and I was feeling it – I wanted to scream even louder, I wanted to break something – but it didn’t feel like I did it right. I know when it feels right cause I feel it. So I was disappointed in myself. God, Act II is murder for me.

The support that everyone gives everyone – the emotional pitch of the show is so high – and someone is always there to rub your back, or hug you – You can’t be alone when you’re coming apart and everybody knows it and understands.

So Act III.

Joanna was telling me how she felt she had to get in touch with Madge’s emotional life. Without it – Act III looks impossible to her.

Tonight, she must have prepped for that for so long. When she came on for that last scene, she was trembling. She was — Oh God — When Eric runs off and she falls on the sistern sobbing – I’m on the porch, Brett is hunched on Mrs. Potts’ porch, and Liz is near Joanna. Diary, Joanna was weeping hysterically. She had never done that before. Oh God, I’m starting to cry again. Usually I just stand up there on the porch, looking stricken, not knowing what I’m supposed to be doing. But tonight — Eric ran off and I looked at her face, and it cracked and crumbled and her hands went up over her eyes – and she fell on the sistern crying loud – crying real. I started to cry just watching her. Then when Liz said, “At least you didn’t marry him, ” and Joanna just – all out cried, “I would have – I would have.”

Oh my God.

I happened to glance at Brett as she said that one line and tears were streaming down his cheeks. His face was bent down.

I couldn’t really let go, though, and just cry – because my last scene is not a crying scene. So I did it – I got off stage – and I was uncontrollably shaking. My arms were almost flapping. I watched the rest of the play from the wings. And what kept popping into my head was the Healing. [A thing we did at the religious retreat I keep talking about.] I was holding onto a pole backstage, and crying my head off – I’ve never felt that way before – Oh my God. Then the scene finished and for about 10 minutes, nobody said a word, but just went around hugging each other.

I will never forget this.

I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around. It was Joanne. Her eyes were pouring buckets. We must have hugged for 2 minutes – we hugged and hugged and hugged – just crying and crying – It felt like that time in the hall when I was in Kate’s arms, and just gripping her shoulders and crying like I’d never ever cry again.

I love these people so much. Oh my God. I love them so much.

Then Jojanna came over asking, “What’s the matter?” She didn’t know that it was her that caused it all. She went all out – and suddenly, we all got the sadness of the play. But she didn’t get why Joanne and I were crying and hugging.

I’m open to these people and I don’t care. I trust them. Then the three of us hugged – I have never felt so close to them. There were no sounds backstage but muffled sobbing. It was indescribable. I’m not even gonna try.

Then Linda came over. I love that woman. She’s 34, but she is so hip! [Wow. On many levels.] Everyone’s so warm and loving. We all were just split wide open.

I went to go get a drink – I couldn’t stop crying, I’m still not done – I was shaking, too. I stood at the bubbler for a long time. And everyone that went by touched me. I almost couldn’t bear it. Joe, Eric – the tenderness in them.

We were all propping each other up. I felt so together with them. Especially when we went into the Green Room to watch the videotape. The togetherness was so there. The bonds! I was just drifting around trying to calm myself down. I went into the Green Room where all these old sofas are. I just went to a couch and sat. Myh arms and shoulders were shaking uncontrollably – once you get started you can’t stop and everything just flooded me and it’s overwhelming and beautiful. But more overwhelming than beautiful because I kept crying. I just couldn’t help it.

Everybody was moving around – setting up pillows, pulling in the couches. Brett stood there looking at me. I didn’t look back because it’s hard for me to communicate whenn I’m crying. I might as well hang it up and jump in a coffin for all the good I am. But when he was looking at me, I knew that it was with fondness and tenderness and love. And that I was safe with him.

IF ONLY ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD COULD BE THIS WAY!!! [I cannot express how large those letters are. Also, after it – is a smiley face, AND a sad face. It’s never just ONE with me – there’s ALWAYS sad-face mixed in with smiley-face.] After a long time of him just looking at me, and me crying – he leaned over to me and said, “Aren’t you gonna give me a hug?”

Diary, I have so much to be grateful for. That I have a friend like him. I am so grateful.

He gestured for me to stand up and he murmured, “Come here” and there I was, holding onto him. And right then I knew that romance or not – it doesn’t matter. I love him like I love Jay or Ted or Jeff. I would be totally satisfied with him as a friend. Because he could be my best friend. He really could. I wanted to squeeze him til he couldn’t breathe.

Love is love. I don’t care what kind.

I love them all. I really really do.

My heart is full.

After we watched the tape, we sat around and talked with Kimber. Everyone was so worked up. Before Kimber left, he came back and kissed Liz on the top of her head. Everyone just cracked up. Very un-Kimberish. It was terrific.

After he left, some of us sat in the lounge and talked. Liz, Brett, Joe, me, Eric. Tomorrow night there’s gonna be another party at Brett’s – only for Picnic people. The next morning, Liz, Joanna and I have a photo call at 10:00 so we are sleeping over. I am sleeping over at Brett. Our plans may change and I may sleep at Liz’s sorority. That’s what I told my mom. Dear Lord, this college world is a different world, isn’t it?

They were all making plans to go out for a drink. Brett invited me along, but oh, it was agonizing. I really wanted to but I had to say no. It was already 11. Brett said, “Well – know that you are welcome anyway.”

There’s more, though. I was still blown away and trembling from the rehearsal. What had happened during and after would creep in my mind and I’d feel a lump in my throat, tears in my eyes again.

Then I went back into the theatre to get my stuff and Brett was there gathering his stuff together. We were all really wired and emotional.

And he said, “I am in the mood to get drunk.”

I said, “Be careful driving.”

Oh Diary – he stopped and looked at me with this SMILE. Fond – warm – wonderful smile – and he came over and kissed me on the cheek.

What a night, huh?