Diary Friday

Ehm … okay, so when we left off, I was shouting ALL IN CAPS and I was VERY VERY ANGRY. Also I kept dropping hints about this mythical “Tuesday” that was so awesome. In this next entry the mystery will be resolved.

NOVEMBER 24

What started me off on this huge high I was on was Marvin remembering me, recognizing me – He saw me coming down the aisle – his face brightened, he smiled and said, “Hey! Sheila!” I mean, that really perked my life up. [But is it enough to make you have a major manic episode??] We talked. Again, I was struck by how friendly h e was. He blew me away at the party. It’s not that he is overwhelmingly affectionate – just a nice nice person. I really sensed it. And he recognized me! I had really agonized about saying hi – like “What if he doesn’t know who the hell I am?” But it was hip [stop it with the “hip” – To quote Inigo Montaya: “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”] and fun and he remembered my name and it really put me in a great screaming mood. [Jeebus. That sounds terrifying.]

I just felt so incredibly good.

Then after school before rehearsal, Anne called me and asked if I wanted to go shopping for her Homecoming dress with her. And it was about 5:30 so I said “Great!” I like being with Anne. Whenever I see her I feel this warmth. We have the best talks. So she came to get me. The wisdom that spurts from that girl’s mouth! [Uhm … might want to re-word that thought, Sheila.] Things are just moving so fast right now for me and I can’t just let things roll – I’d be in trouble if I let it roll. [What the hell are you talking about?] Tuesday and Wednesday were the most confusing days in my life. I don’t know if you can imagine it. I felt like this two times which left me quite breathless. I mean, the Homecoming was such a change in pace, a shift – It left me dazed. I’m so confused. I always feel like I have to be doing something about it. [I am imagining that I am babbling on like this about either Brett or TS]

We shopped for a while and met up with Betsy. Anne didn’t buy anything but we all tried dresses on.

Then Anne took me to rehearsal. Anne is always totally honest with me, but I love it. Honesty, to me, is like a breath of fresh air, a glass of icy water – so refreshing. When I am with Anne, I feel real. I feel worthy. I feel like me.

You might as well know since I don’t write every day – I LIVE for rehearsals. Not just because of Brett – because all of them are indescribable. But from Day One there’s been something neat between Brett and me. Maybe I’ve imagined it but I don’t think so. We are such great friends. And I’ve only known him since October!

It’s unreal that I’m in this play. I’m taking it all for granted but there are odd little moments when I just look around me.

The scenery all went up – two huge houses with porches, roof – real swingig doors – It’s just incredible. I look at the set and think – wow, I’m really here! And all of a sudden 10 new wonderful people are in my life and part of my life now. Wow!

So Anne and I had a good talk – and I took her into the theatre just for a minute so she could see the set. She was like, “I don’t care about the scenery. I just want to meet Brett.” I admit that I felt really thrilled and excited to finally have someone meet him. But I was nervous – my hands were almost shaking. So in we went – they had just put Mrs. Potts’ house up so I stopped on the first step, staring. Brett was sitting on the edge of the stage and looking up at me, smiling. I waved and said, “Is that Mrs. Potts’ house?” He nodded. I started laughing. “It looks like an outhouse.” I gestured to Anne to follow and we went down the stairs. He was grinning at me the whole way. When I got close enough, he said, “Hey, you got your hair cut!” I had. I got it cut very very short. Like Peter Pan short. And they chopped off my tail. [Then there is a huge sad face. Uhm … member tails??] My hair is so short now!

Joanna called out to me, “Oh Sheila! Let me see!”

So I fluffed out my hair for everyone (as much as you can fluff out hair 3/4 of an inch long). And I glanced back at Brett and he was smiling at me in that heartbreaking way he was [Uhm – do you mean a “nice” way??]. People should NOT be nice to me because it makes my heart ache. A good ache but still an ache. [You know what? This is still true. Actually, it’s even more true now.]

And then I said, “Anne – this is Brett – Brett, this is Anne.” He held his hand out to her and smiled – they shook. I BEAMED.

He is so special. So is Joe. And Liz! We’re sort of the Four Muskateers, cause Joe drives us home – so it’s always the four of us in the car – Joe is just so so cool. Where are the adjectives that I need? The ones that describe these people? There are no adjectives. The word “wonderful” will just have to do.

Anne had to leave, so everyone called goodbye to her. Then Brett turned back to me, smiling, looking at my hair. “You look so much younger. Wait – go up on stage and let me see you.”

So I went up onstage and did a little pose. Then I started to tango. The worst part of this show is for me is: I open Act II. I hear music – I come onstage alone – and I dance alone. It is the hardest part for me. It’s tango music, so I have to do an “impromptu” tango. The first time I did it, the whole cast came out in the house to watch. I was more nervous at that moment than I was at the auditions! Because now I know them all – and it’s a rough enough part of the show for me – the feelings I experience – and having them all WATCH [Nothing harder than creating a true “private moment” on stage – That’s what the beginning of Act II is. A private moment of fantasy for Millie. So hard to do when there’s an audience.] When I finished – it was like SK Pades [explanation] They all clapped and cheered for me. I shook for about 10 minutes.

What will it be like to do that before a real audience? Oh my God. The world is coming on Thursday night. Oh LORD. I feel sick.

It was a good energetic rehearsal. We were just on the edge of a vacation – they were looking forward to going home – and everyone was up – especially because we were working with the real houses. It felt a little more real. Everyone was in such a terrific mood. I guess I did get a little giggly, but everyone did. Kimber was in a great mood, everyone was.

We did the dancing scene – me and Eric – it’s so funny – and then the getting drunk part – that’s my favorite scene. I love getting into it. I love yelling like that, and crying. I love it.

After our run-through, which was pretty good, everyone felt so together – not just as a cast. It really did feel like we were a group of happy people, friends, looking forward to the vacation. Since everyone was so up, including Kimber – there was talk of going out after rehearsal. It was only 10:00. And everyone was laughing and calling, “I’ll see you there!”

I felt very lonely. I mean, I felt like – nobody loved me. God, it was weird. It could have been a scene in a movie, everyone all clustered together and me alone to the side, feeling left out. I was queer. Oh well.

Then Joanna came over to me, “Do you think you can come?” [I still, so many years later, LOVE how they included me … and LOVE, too, how they accepted my high school status. They didn’t try to corrupt me. They always knew I had to check with my parents about stuff, and they respected that and yet STILL included me. LOVE YOU ALL, you guys!]

It seems like after every rehearsal I get so down. [That’s nothing compared with what’s gonna happen to you after the show closes.] During notes, and trying to find a ride – no matter what, I feel like I’m about to cry. Loneliness really sucks.

So I could feel this lift of hope – “Oh God! I don’t have to go home! I can go out and have fun with these people! I don’t have to take this feeling home with me where it festers.” (That was exactly what I thought). And then Joanna just made me feel so wonderful: “Well, just call home and ask. We’d love you to come.”

Diary, all I can say is thank God my parents are such good eggs and thank God they let me go because I SWEAR that I have NEVER had so much fun. Joanna drove me over and we got into such hysterics on the way she almost drove into a river. We were laughing SO hard about flubs during rehearsal – we were totally gone.

Let it be said here – Thank you (whoever) for letting me be in this show. My life is so full. Thank you. It’s gonna be hard to leave it behind but I’ll never forget it. I’m not the same person. I’ll never be the same again. (Thank you.)

So we got to Giro’s [Giro’s!! Awesome local] – I’d never been there so when we walked in I was like, “Oh my God. It’s a bar. A pub.” Whatever – I felt like everyone was looking at me like, “That girl is 16. She’s never been in a bar before.” Our party pracitcally took up a whole room – 3 booths. Kimber, Lenny and Joanna at a table. Eric, Jennifer and me at a table. Joe, Liz, Brett and Jennifer (our new stage manager) at a table. But we were all rotating chairs and running around.

Jennifer. I am so close to that girl. She is so incredible.

Everyone’s so laidback. Each table ordered a pitcher. The waiter didn’t even blink. He gave our table 3 mugs. [Which is kind of incredible because I am still carded NOW on occasion. Imagine how young I looked back then!] I decided: “What the hell. Only one more day of school.” Jennifer glanced at me hesitantly, “Do you want any?” Nobody cares! I can’t even get used to it. Everyone cares so much about the drinking thing in high school. But I said sure, I’d have a beer.

In vino veritas.

A part of me came out that is hard for me to bring out – and it was magnified. It was SO fun. We were all just laughing and lively – in total hysterics. I love Eric. He is so so cool. And he’s gorgeous. We were all just yelling to each other’s tables.

The truth: I would love to be like that all the time. I wasn’t shy or awkward. I thought at the Dance, “If I was drunk I’d be handling this better.” [hahahahaha] I know everyone’s now stroking their chins and saying, “Well, we are now witnessing the beginning of Sheila’s downfall.” But I don’t think so. I have social problems. I really do. But God, on Tuesday – I’m smiling right now! We all were just celebrating the vacation – Eric did his imitation of Arthur – and Jennifer told us that a good game to play is Arthur – watch the movie and take a drink every time Dudley Moore takes one and you are totally trashed by the end.

Brett was sitting right behind us and he poked Jennifer and said, “Move over. I want to talk to Sheila.” So Jennifer moved over beside Eric – we were all having so much fun. I always thought of being drunk as being gross and going nowhere in your life – but Brett was very drunk, and he was hysterical.

The big thing I remember about Tuesday night is laughing. That made up the majority of it. I love laughing with Brett – because I am really laughing with him – we are together – we are on the same plane.

Like one of the funniest things – it still makes me smile – the thing is it really isn’t a bit funny. But God – I thought it was then – and also – it was a reaction to Brett. What makes me smile is remembering Brett and I laughing so hard that tears streamed down our faces. I started to act very giggly – but it felt so GOOD – and Brett was cracking jokes with Liz – and he made this really dumb joke and I started laughing without thinking about it, and then I said, as I was laughing, “I’m laughing …. and it isn’t even funny.”

I have no idea why this struck us both as so funny but Brett laughed so hard he fell off the booth.

Later, he put his arms tight around me and announced to Eric and Jennifer, “I think she is so cool!”

Liz was telling us about her project for acting class, how she has to direct a One Act and how she wants Brett to be in it. She has to find a good script for him.

I can’t even believe that the whole Homecoming thing happened after Tuesday.

Okay, world, here’s an announcement. I love everyone in this cast. I love them so much it makes me cry. I love them like I love my own family.

Then we all talked about neat moments in Picnic – and Brett said, “When you get sick in Act II – I really love what we do backstage. It helps me so much – it gives me enough pinch for the next scene – It’s really cool.”

I love talking with Liz. She has become one of my best friends. I told her all about my Homecoming plans. [I love Liz. She was all into the girlie details of my high school life.]

Then Brett, Eric and I talked about Stripes for a while. This is another very vivid moment for me because we were practically clutching each other laughing so hard, remembering funny scenes.

All I can think of is: friendly, fondness, buddy-buddy – that’s what the whole night was. That’s why I was so screwed up about Homecoming. I mean, the night at Giro’s was not romance but my heart was just so FULL – that going to the Homecoming dance seemed so boring. I didn’t even want to see TS. It just feels so weird now.

Brett and I talked about our scene. Brett called it “the highlight of the show”.

Joe, the sober one, was driving me, Liz and Brett home. It was like camp. We all weren’t gonna see each other for 4 days. It was a big deal! They’re part of my day to day existence now. I somehow managed to get my coat on – and then everyone just hugged everyone.

Jennifer, one of my favorite people, came over to me to hug me so tight. Eric squeezed me – And Joanna and I – huge tight hug – there are times when I honest to God feel like she’s my sister. That hug was special to me.

Then out into the cold the four of us went. Joe and Liz weren’t really drunk. It was about one in the morning, in deserted Peace Dale – we came outside and Brett grabbed me in the middle of the street and started to twirl me around and around, waltzing with me. Our breath was frosty and we were breathlessly laughing. The stars were so bright and there were so many of them. I couldn’t believe how shiny they were.

Joe and Liz got in the front, Brett and I in the back. It was a freezing cold night. Brett put his arm around me and we sat that way the whole way home. (In vino veritas) Oh shut up. [hahahahaha It’s like I have some kind of Latin-speaking Tourettes]

We drove past cops, and everyone yelled at Joe to slow down. Brett shouted, with his arm around me, “There are 2 drunk minors being intimate in the back seat!” [Okay, that is feckin’ FUNNY. Also – wow. He was a minor too. I so thought of him as a major ADULT type person!!]

I was so carefree. For so long I have had so many worries – and they were all gone on Tuesday. I didn’t even think of TS. I was so happy I didn’t know what to DO with it all!

Oh yeah, back at Giro’s – we were all talking about the auditions and Brett was remembering when I first walked in on that audition Sunday – the very first time I ever saw him. It was really me, Brett and Liz talking about it and it was neat hearing what their first impressions of me were because I didn’t even know them then and I was almost sure I would never see them again.

Brett said to me, “I remember when you first walked in – you were so nervous. When you left, Michelle said, ‘She’s in high school, you know.’ And I thought – ‘Wow. Has she got balls to do this.’ Later, Kimber said, ‘I would love to cast her as Millie, but she’s too pretty.'”

I stared at him. He stared at me. I said, “He didn’t say that.” He nodded, grinning at me, in this way – like: How do you like that? Stop being so insecure!

I still couldn’t believe that Kimber would say that.

Joe drove to my house – and then we all had to say good-bye for 4 days! I leaned over the front seat and hugged Joe and then Liz. I love that girl like I’ve known her forever. We were all saying, “Have a great Thanksgiving!” Brett got out to let me out – it must have been 1:30 – all the lights were off.

I waved goodbye once more and we were calling, “Have a wonderful vacation!” I made it to the door through the dark – and I turned the knob – to find that the damn door was locked. Can you imagine my agony? Oh God, I felt so trapped and EMBARESSED! [Yes, that’s how I spelled it. And I would STILL spell it like that if I could.] Because when they saw that I couldn’t get in, they stayed in the driveway. So – horror of horrors – I started to knock and cautiously ring the bell. Maybe it was for a minute but it felt like forever. I mean – eternity. The car in the driveway and the agonizing fact that NO ONE was coming to the door.

Finally my mom came and I went inside and flickered the lights to tell them it was okay.

My parents had totally forgotten about me. Mum went back to bed and I just paced in the dining room, tingling with how wonderful I felt. How purely perfectly h appy I was.

And the thing is – is that feeling is recreated for me whenever I even think about that night.

Other Picnic entries:

Part 1. The audition
Part 2: The callbacks, getting into the play
Part 3: First meeting with the director
Part 4. The calm before the storm … the time before rehearsals started … memorizing lines, etc.
Part 5. Rehearsals start
Part 6. Rehearsals. Stress building.
Part 7. Crush with Brett intensifying. Finding my own way as an actress. Stress building.
Part 8. Dropping out of religious retreat with much sturm und drang.
Part 9. Being invited to college party
Part 10. Going to college party
Part 11. Aftermath of college party!
Part 12. Rehearsals! Life! Going crazy!
Part 13. The rehearsal when the play clicks into place, emotionally.
Part 14. Opening night approaching. Homecoming Dance approaching.
Part 15 Homecoming Dance. Homecoming football game. Rage.