Diary Friday: “We toasted Roy Scheider.”

Continuing on from where we left off yesterday.

Oh and David: if you are reading this:

Our famous first real meeting ends this entry!

PART 2

Everything was lit up by the moon. Boy, was it cold. All I had on was my jeans jacket, a thin grey shirt, rolled up jeans and loafers – with no socks. [Sheila, it’s December. What is your problem.] I was chilly. But I was also just so excited about strolling along with Brett. I was shivering for 2 reasons, basically. We didn’t really talk. It’s sort of a long walk to get to the beach. The moon – bright white and silver. But the sky was cloudy – so the clouds were all stringy, and silver-tipped – scudding across the moon. And the stars were peeking through. It was a spectacular sky. Bimulous. [HA!! A reference to one of my favorite childhood books which I recently rediscovered]

We quietly walked along the road. The silence sounded so loud and wonderful after the party. And far away was the pound of the surf on the beach. All I could do was let the beauty shiver through me. [So … er … this means you were shivering for THREE reasons then?] I wanted to pray or say Thank you – to someone! So I kept just thinking, “Thank you! Thank you!”

My teeth were chattering so loudly that Brett heard them and he looked at me.

“You’re cold.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Yes, you are. Look at you. Wait a minute – ” and he took off his scarf and wrapped it around my neck.

I tried to give it back to him so that he wouldn’t be cold but he ordered me to keep it. I was thrilled. Yes. I was thrilled.

It was all like a very romantic but very real movie.

The night was so beautiful.

Brett started talking to me. He said, “There’s something about nature, isn’t there? Whenever I get down, or anxious – I come out here to the beach and I feel in touch again. I’m at peace here. There have been times when I’ve had – almost religious experiences down on the beach. If I’m lost or confused – I don’t know – I get in touch with myself here.”

His voice died away. I was shaking so much I could feel it. He could have been me talking. I wanted to say to him, “I understand” but I didn’t – I sensed that he was not talking to get my opinion, but just talking to share himself with me. He was revealing something to me. So I shut up and just listened.

I was walking beside him, listening – [then my handwriting freaks out and gets huge and goes jaggeding around the page] LOVING HIM – LOVING THE WORLD AND UNIVERSE!!

The sky – being under that sky – the earth felt so painfully beautiful on that night.

We came to the entrance to the beach. Just a few days ago I found my loafers and they still have sand on them. It gave me a weird feeling to see it. I felt the specialness all over again. The entrance to the beach was lit up by a streetlamp but the moon was glowing even brighter. As we walked through the dunes towards the beach, he said, “This is nice.” I smiled at him. I had my hands shoved in my pockets because I was trembling. [Of course you were. You were wearing a jeans jacket IN DECEMBER you moron!!] We came out onto the beach. He kept talking, “I guess – in some ways – I feel like a big brother to you. Like I should protect you.”

Do you know that that is what I yearn for? I am independent, but I want to be protected. I want to feel safe. I’m a feminist, but I want to feel safe. It made me almost start crying when he said that he feels like he has to protect me. [This is resonating so hard with me right now – in my life.] He looked over at me and I think he might have thought that I was offended because I didn’t say anything. He said, “Well, not just that …” Then he said with this honest open voice. “I don’t know. I feel close to you.”

I felt like I was dying. I managed to say, “I feel close to you too.”

The beach itself was like a dream. It was so vast – a long long stretch of flat sand that was shining silver in the bright moonlight – and the ocean. I couldn’t see the horizon. I saw a flashing lighthouse. I could see the dim white foam, and I could hear the continuous surf.

Life and the world and just being alive and being human is so painfully sweet.

We didn’t talk much but we were so close. The whole beach felt like a dream. We were almost one. The beauty of the world, the beauty of us together – we just floated through all of that.

Part of the beach was totally flooded – there was a raging river rushing down from the dunes to the ocean. If we wanted to keep walking, we’d have to somehow cross it. He smiled at me, all mischievous. “What do we do?” I smiled back and said, “Want to make a run for it?” “We’ll get wet.” “So what?” He started to giggle – and he said, “We’re really gonna do this?” I started to laugh too – “Yeah! Come on! On the count of 3.” So we both counted and then we dashed across – it turned out that it was deeper than ankle deep and freezing – we both were screaming as we zoomed across, laughing madly and trying to jump in shallow spots that we couldn’t see – It was exhilarating. I got quite wet but I didn’t care. Oh Diary, I didn’t care about a thing but the moment!

Finally, we bounded up on the other side. We were in hysterics. I was really cold – we were both laughing – and suddenly we started hugging, and laughing madly. It felt like the ultimate beautiful friendship. [“Louie?”]

After that, we calmed down, became silent and just stood there, looking out at the water.

It was sort of like looking at eternity, or experiencing foreverness. The moon was behind us – and the endless water and that damn sky and stars. Brett was behind me – I could feel him there. He was all intertwined with the beauty of it all. He was a part of it. I felt so much. Not just for Brett. But I felt so much – wonder, pain, awe, ecstasy, happiness – not able to bear it all. And knowing that Brett knew. Brett knew how I felt. We stood there for a few minutes – then I felt Brett quickly kiss me on the back of my head, and started off walking again. I trotted to keep up with him. We didn’t talk. The breeze was lifting my hair off my face, and I had my head thrown back to the stars and moon. I felt beautiful. I can’t really explain it, but I think that if a person is beautiful inside then they are automatically beautiful outside. I could love someone that is considered ugly because if I loved him he wouldn’t be ugly. I understand it anyway. I usually don’t think about what I look like, and when I do – I am not satisfied – but then – I felt sure that how I was feeling inside must show on my face. I felt radiant. Beautiful. I felt loved.

I kept saying fervently, inside, “Thank you, my dear Lord – thank you SO MUCH.”

We were heading for the rocks that are on the edge of the beach. Brett told me on the way down, “There are all these rocks on the edge of the beach and there’s one rock I always stand on. I feel like King of the Walk because it’s up so high and the water comes in and totally surrounds it.” He wanted to show me his rock. [“These are my igneous tamula rocks.” “Yes! Of course they are!” “Don’t touch his rocks.” “But really, Professor, do you honestly believe you can make music out of minerals?”]

I pointed out Orion to him. The moon was full, almost blinding – and everything was dimly glowing. (I want to know if I looked as beautiful as I felt.) [Let it go, Sheila. You’ll never know.] Occasionally one of us would break the silence. Like, “God, this moonlight!” or “There are so many stars!”

There’s this whole part in the play with Alan and Madge:

“Madge, after supper tonight, maybe you and I could take a boat out on the river.”

“All right, Alan.”

“I want to see if you look real in the moonlight.”

That sort of my entered mind just as Brett said, “I wanted to see if you looked real in the moonlight.” I started laughing and said, “I was just thinking that!”

Brett said, “Joanna wrote me the nicest thing in her card to me. She said ‘To a very real person.'”

“That’s the most important thing,” I said. “Being real.”

We got to the rocks and started to climb. Brett led the way. I was hopping from rock to rock, trying not to slip. The rocks looked so smooth and marble in the moonlight – some had mossy stuff all over them but it was too dark to see. I jumped on one mossy rock unknowingly, and my feet flew out from beneath me and down I went. It shocked me more than it hurt me. We both started giggling. He tried to say, “You have to be careful” but he couldn’t get it out he was laughing too hard. I stood up and we kept climbing. There were puddles in between the rocks and I remember stopping to look down in one. It was perfectly smooth – no ripples – and in it was perfectly reflected the moon. I called Brett over to see. He started to lead the way again, but he reached out and took my hand. That’s how we went from then on. It was so comfortable. Hand in hand, jumping from rock to rock, not even really talking.

There was one point when I slipped again, and fell into icy cold water up to the middle of my shin. I screeched – and again – we both just started guffawing about it. Brett was moaning, “If you get pneumonia, your mom’ll kill me. Sheila – dry your leg off with my scarf.”

“But it’s a white scarf!”

He was so firm – “Forget the scarf. Wipe your leg off. I mean it. You’ll really get sick.”

So I dried my leg off. (The whole night was like the ultimate experience.)

I love the feeling of security I get with him. Of him taking care of me, looking out for me – but never bossing me around. I just feel protected, like he’s there for me.

We came to Brett’s rock. He jumped up onto it – it was so high up that my eyes were on a level with his Nikes. I leaned my elbows on the rock and stared out to sea. I occasionally arched my neck to look up at him. I can still see him in my mind. He almost looked superhuman. He had his hands in his pockets and he was staring at the ocean. When I looked up, all I could see was him, and behind him the sky, and stars. He’s so human. [Uhm … thought you just said he was superhuman. I don’t understand.]

I could have looked out to sea forever. The waves curled in around the rocks. I love the noise of the surf. The beauty hurt me. I rested my chin in my hands and just let myself be vulnerable to all of it. And that Brett would want to share this with me – Brett was opening himself up to me, too. No guy has ever opened himself up to me. He had said to me earlier, “I guess I see a lot of myself in you.” And that’s strange, because that’s exactly what I have been thinking. That’s why I am drawn to him. Because instinctively, I sensed something in him, from the beginning. I knew that I was drawn to him – so at first I chalked it up as a crush. When really – it’s that he is someone I relate to. He is one of those very rare people who feels the same way I do about things. And there’s so much more to learn about him and discover in him.

As he was standing up there, he said, “I love to come down here. I just look … and listen … and feel.” I was feeling it too. Being human and alive and real – it was all so painfully clear to me that night. I was aware that I was alive – at every second. For a long time I haven’t been to church, I haven’t had time, and I was so wrapped up with my happiness here on earth. I was so engrossed with being HAPPY. But that night on the beach, I felt God again. There He was. No apology was needed for Him to accept me in again. I was just tingling with everything. The whole night was like this continuous “thank you”. Thank you Thank you. I wondered if Brett felt the same thing. So I asked him if he did. It took me about five minutes to get up the guts. I mean, I’m used to TS where asking “how was your weekend” is a big fucking deal.

When I asked Brett – I could see his smile – a slow, spreading smile. He didn’t look at me. His eyes were still out on the water, but he smiled. I knew that it had been all right to ask. He said, “It’s funny that you asked me because I was just about to tell you.” He squatted down so our faces were on the same level. Looking at him in that moment, I knew that I loved him more than I could ever express. But for some reason, it didn’t ache like it did with DW or with TS sometimes. It was just love – powerful and pure – It felt a little bit painful but that’s only because there was so much of it.

He spoke quietly and I don’t think I want to record the conversaion we had. It’s sacred to me, and I do not want to touch its loveliness. It was cosmic in every way. We had this talk – about life and being alive – on a rock at the edge of this ocean and underneath this sky. Life felt so crystal clear.

Afterwards, Brett said, “Let’s climb some more, shall we?” He jumped down from his rock and we started hopping rock to rock again. On one big flat rock, he suddenly turned to me. I couldn’t see his face in the dark but I could feel his smile. He put his arms around me and hugged me so tight that I almost couldn’t catch my breath. And I remember thinking, “This is how I will remember the last night of Picnic now. This time on the beach with him.” [And it’s true. All the other stuff I have almost no memory of – but this entire walk on the beach remains perfectly crystallized in my mind]

As we were hugging – suddenly we heard these far-off shrieks and shouts: “BRETT! SHEILA!”

It was Joe and Liz come to find us. What was so perfect is when they came – they didn’t interrupt that conversation. I don’t even like to relive that conversation. I don’t even want to go near it. It is too special. But Joe and Liz arrived on the beach about 5 minutes after the conversation – so it was perfect. We started back to meet them. I slipped and fell once again. More hysteria.

We met them at the edge of the rocks. Liz had shaved off Joe’s mustache. He looked so different! What is so cool about me and Brett is that there is such a happy medium with us. I mean – we were really deep and serious and sweet when we were alone – and then when Joe and Liz showed up – we were absolutely crazy. We all went absolutely crazy on that beach. We stood on the rocks by the shore for a while, shivering, and then we started back. Liz and I were walking along calmly, and Joe and Brett were going BONKERS behind us. Brett stopped us and said, “Okay – what is this from?” And he started running around and throwing sand like a madman and then he stood at the water’s edge, flung his arms out, and yelled, “WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS IT?” We all shouted, “CLOSE ENCOUNTERS” at the top of our lungs.

We got back to the house. Liz and I went inside and Joe and Brett didn’t. We found out later that they had gotten into Joe’s car and were yelling and laughing and being crazy and pretending to drive it. The party had thinned down. A lot of people had left. Jennifer was still there. I look at her sort of as a mother figure. She fusses over me, worries about me. I adore her. Joe and Brett finally came inside and the four of us went up to Joe’s room because Brett had stashed away a bottle of champagne there. The four of us sat on Joe’s bed with wine glasses and made about 8,000,000 toasts. We went around in a circle – toasting the stupidest things we could think of. We toasted scrambled eggs. We toasted Roy Scheider. [hahahahahahaha] We toasted Kimber. We also toasted the cast, the run of our play, the frienships created. Brett toasted me, shouting, “TO SHEILA O’MALLEY!” I made a toast to peer pressure.

After that, after the champagne, things started getting even crazier. Joe read poems out of this book of his and Brett did modern Interpretive Dance to the poems. I swear, I have never laughed that hard in my life. We were all out of control. Tears were streaking down my cheeks. It is one of the funniest things I have ever seen ever. It’s making me laugh right now just writing about it. I thought I would die of shortage of breath. It was 4 o’clock in the morning and Brett was writhing around doing Interpretive Dance as Joe read some Emily Dickinson poem. It was a RIOT.

And somehow – after that – we all ended up lying on Joe’s bed in a row and going to sleep. The four of us. For a while we talked, but then gradually – I realized that we had all gone silent. I could hardly move. I fell asleep with my lenses in. We all woke up simultaneously at about 5:30 when the sun rose up out of the ocean. I felt groggy, drugged – it was so funny that we all woke up at the same moment. I stumbled into Brett’s room where my lens case and saline was – I took the lenses out – they were sticking to my eyes – so dry – it was hard to get them out. Brett climbed back into his own bed. I climbed back into Joe’s bed. Liz climbed into Brett’s bed. This whole thing sounds so weird but it was totally natural at the time. I actually really liked the comfort of knowing that someone was lying beside me.

Outside Joe’s window is a beautiful view of the ocean horizon – it was all blue and pink and peach mists – really gentle and dawn-ish – I could hear the surf from Joe’s room. He had cracked a window.

Oh, and that night I had to go and be in Antigone! I had a good sleep though – about 2 hours of total slumber. [Ah, youth!] I woke up at about 7:00 and I felt like I had been sleeping forever. [The fact that my parents let me sleep over is amazing to me. Second of all – it is obvious that their trust in these college kids was not misplaced. I mean, yes, I was drinking … but look at that night. There is nothing about it that is not innocent. Amazing.]

Joe and I were both awake, so we went outside to sit on the lawn. It was so breezy, early morning freshness, the view of the beach, the coolness of the morning, the salty air. My hair was sticking straight up. I had my glasses on. I stretched out on the grass beside Joe, and we just breathed it all in. I wished I never had to leave.

I spent the day there – Jennifer and me had stayed over – so we all just lounged about the whole day. Liz had to leave because she was directing a play – Brett and Joe drove me home. I knew that I had to say goodbye to Jen. I didn’t know when would be the next time I’d see her because she was going home for Christmas. I was so psyched for her because she hadn’t seen her family since June. When we both slept over the first time, we sat downstairs and talked on the pullout bed in the living room and she told me about her family – eight kids – she missed everybody so much. Jennifer cries easily – she thinks of her home and she starts to cry. She’s just so beautiful.

So we hugged and I said, “Have a beautiful Christmas with your family. I want to hear all abuot it!” I heard her say, “I love you, baby.” She’s so sincere.

Then we got into Joe’s car – all three of us crmped in the front. It was about 5:00 – so the sun had just started setting. I was pretty much quiet on the way home. We all made plans to go see Liz’s play which was being put on the next day and everyone was going to go roller-skating on Tuesday. [Cue David!!]

I totally discouraged them from coming to see Antigone. As a matter of fact, I begged them not to.

When we got to my house – there wasn’t the big BOOM goodbye that I had been dreading – because we didn’t have to. We would be seeing each other again, and soon. Strange – but I had never thought of that. I had thought it woudl be really goodbye. But we just said goodbye to the show – not to each other.

It was so neat – at the party, before Brett and I left, I was talking to Joe – he sat down beside me and he said, “Oh, I meant to thank you for the card …” and somehow, leading up to it, he said, “Not a day goes by when your name doesn’t come up in our conversations.”

Brett got out of the car to let me out. Joe and I hugged and kissed – when I got out, Brett smiled at me. When he looks at me, I feel so comfortable with who I am. No, not just comfortable. I like who I am. We had a nice hug – then I backed away, both us still smiling – I said, “That was nice on the beach” – and, as though he hadn’t been thinking of it and was just reminded – he smiled at me. So much talking with no words. Sometimes with guys – or, all the time with guys – I feel like I am so much more moved by stuff than they are. Like that one time I danced with DW. I felt kind of delirious with happiness and I just never felt like DW was that thrilled about it. [This struggle continues on to this day. I am “too much”. I guess I always have been, always will be. Interesting to see me pick up on that already, though.]

It was a blessing from God that I got in this play. I have changed. I mean, look at me. When I step back and really evaluate the changes. I called TS just to say, “Why are you giving me mixed signals?” I can’t even believe that. Last year it took me half an hour to get up the guts to call Keith M. for a math assignment. [hahahahaha – Keith M! My schoolboy hero! And I’m so insane that I recounted that whole phone exchange in yet another Diary Friday.]

By the way, it’s December 31 now. This is the day before MY year begins. I will graduate high school and go to college this year. What’s gonna happen this year? [Oh man. Don’t ask.] I sent off my college application on Friday. But I’m still not done with Picnic stories. Not by a long shot!

Brett is home at his parents now. But when he comes back I can’t wait to see him! I can’t wait for college, too. Here’s one reason why:

When we all went roller-skating – it was so much fun. I love to roller skate anyway, but it was such a blast. None of the guys could skate. Watching Joe on roller skates was so hysterical. Brett picked it up pretty fast though. And David. David W. He is a freshman right now – he was in the O’Neills – he was GREAT.

I’ve never really talked to him. He’d been at some of the parties. We’d been introduced but – we really hit it off roller skating. He is hysterical. It was his first time on skates, maybe – so I was leaning up against the wall and he came to a crash landing beside me, and immediately assumed this nonchalant macho pose, with dead macho eyes, and said, “Hey, baby, come here often?” and right then his feet flew out from under him and down he went. He kept doing this. I was having fits about him the whole night. College boys are so fun! Whenever he skated near me, I’d start yelling, “Stay away from me! You scare me! You’re gonna take me down!” Liz and Brett skated off on a couples skate and Dave and I stood there – [Dave? Who the hell is that?] and – you will not believe how EASY [again: I do not have a font big enough to show how large those letters are] it was to ask him to skate. [David: HA! See? I asked you!!] It was as easy as saying, “Hello!” We had been laughing all night so it all felt natural. So we did – we skated the rest of the night, hand in hand. Liz was doing all these arabesques with Brett – so we tried them and ended up in a painful crash on the floor.

But we had a blast. David is unbelievably sweet.

[I have a weird lump in my throat right now. David is still one of my best friends. This is our first meeting. It is rather controversial – as we both have different versions of it – but that’s okay! I just feel a bit choked up – because all of these people are still in my life. Dear dear friends. Liz, Brett, David … all of them. I miss Joe – I wonder where he is now.]

Other Picnic entries:

Part 1. The audition
Part 2: The callbacks, getting into the play
Part 3: First meeting with the director
Part 4. The calm before the storm … the time before rehearsals started … memorizing lines, etc.
Part 5. Rehearsals start
Part 6. Rehearsals. Stress building.
Part 7. Crush with Brett intensifying. Finding my own way as an actress. Stress building.
Part 8. Dropping out of religious retreat with much sturm und drang.
Part 9. Being invited to college party
Part 10. Going to college party
Part 11. Aftermath of college party!
Part 12. Rehearsals! Life! Going crazy!
Part 13. The rehearsal when the play clicks into place, emotionally.
Part 14. Opening night approaching. Homecoming Dance approaching.
Part 15 Homecoming Dance. Homecoming football game. Rage.
Part 16 Last rehearsal before 3 day Thanksgiving break. Heaven!
Part 17 Opening Night!
Part 18 More on Opening Night.
Part 19 The show closes. Drama with the boyfriend. Reconnecting with my friends.
Part 20 Description of closing night – part 1.