Diary Friday: “I COULD NOT WAIT TO SEE HIM. I put in my lenses.”

I continued to write about Picnic, filling in the blanks, even after the whole experience ended. I had a hard adjustment period to “life after Picnic”. Here’s a great night, though. The memory of it today still makes me smile. My embarrassment about my family singing Christmas carols is SO teenager-ish. This’ll probably be a two-parter too because it’s a marathon.

JANUARY 1

While Picnic was playing, I had to be so careful because I had to be in a good mood to do the show. If I mistreated my family during it, I honest to God had not a smidgeon of an idea. If I had I wouldhave stopped! During Picnic, I was self-centered, but there was no other way I could be. I had to be self-centered because my life wasn’t just my life. I was doing so much. I had to take care of myself first. I had so much to do. My world, my life – my millions of things to get done. I apologized to Jean and Siobhan, if I ignored them. I can’t stop crying.

I ache madly to talk to a Picnic person.

That Monday – December 19, I think – I came home from school and I somehow gathered courage, and called Brett and asked for him. Patty answered. She told me that Brett was still at school. I talked to her for a while. Then she called Lenny to the phone. He did not help. My yearning for Brett was painful. My loneliness for him was so huge. And that he wasn’t there. It really hurt.

Tuesday during school I was a mess. I felt such an emptiness inside of me and I could not get rid of it. It just hurt. Having Picnic be so over. It was still so with me. I came straight home from school. I was so depressed that it isn’t even worth re-creating. I missed it. That’s all. I didn’t know what to do without Picnic in my life.

I went down in the cellar, into the den, lay on the couch and watched Giant. I had never seen it before so I was psyched. What a downer. First of all, it was SO boring. Even Jimmy was boring. [Yup. First-name basis] He was so spectacular and exciting and wonderful [and marvelous and fabulous and awesome and wicked cool and terrific …] in the other two movies – but first and foremost, Giant was deathly boring. I fell asleep watching it.

Then.

THE TURNING POINT.

I felt Mum shaking me (thank God she decided to wake me up) – and she was saying, “Sheila – Sheila – wake up …” It always takes me a while to get going – and then she said, “Brett’s on the phone.”

YA HOO!

How can I explain? Instantly I was off the couch and up the stairs. I was flying! I felt better already! He called! YAY! I grabbed the phone and yelled, “Hi!”

He yelled back, “Hi!!!”

Then both of us were just yelling. “Hi!” “Hi!”

[hahahahaha]

He’s my friend. I’m his friend. Hearing his voice I was so happy that I had tears in my eyes. He said, “Patty said you called yesterday?”

I said, “Yeah, I was Picnic-starved. And lonely for you.”

[It is indicative of the level of our friendship that I felt comfortable enough to just say that.]

We talked for a while. I talked to Joe, too. And jennifer was there – so she came on the phone as well. OH, the world was merciful and beautiful once more.

I LOVE JENNIFER.

It is so hard for me to accept that she really loves me. That any of them do.

Then she handed me back to Brett. We talked a little bit, but not much. He’s told me before how much he hates talking on the phone. So then suddenly, out of the blue, he said, “You want to do anything tonight?”

All I can say is that it took me by total surprise. I was not expecting that at all. Without even thinking about it, no presence of mind, I said, “Yeah!”

Then in the background at Brett’s I heard all this laughter and Brett said, “They’re laughing at my tactics for asking a girl for a date.”

We couldn’t really decide what we wanted to do. I wasn’t saying much. I was just stanidng there, staring at myself in the bathroom mirror, shaking all over. [oh man!!! Thank God Brett was kind and nice!]

Brett said, “Why don’t I just come over to your house and we’ll decide then.”

So I said, “Great!”

Then we said bye and hung up.

Totally calmly, I peeked my head in the kitchen, said, “Brett’s coming over” and then I tore up to my room.

I COULD NOT WAIT TO SEE HIM.

I put in my lenses.

I had on this new shirt I had bought at Bloomingdales – just my style – grey, baggy [WTF??? Grey and BAGGY is your style??] with French and Italian newspaper print all over it. [Holy crap, I remember that shirt. So 80s!!] I wore my jeans, and one of my prized possessions – my big black blazer that I bought at a thrift shop for five bucks. I have duly adorned it with a rhinestone pin, an oversized silver safety pin and a band-aid. J., Mere and I have started a trend. We wear bandaids on all our clothing. [Uhm … why did we do that, Mere? Can you remember? Was it a nod to Bob Geldof?] I felt good.

I was all shivery with anticipation to see him. I was totally psyched with every fiber of my being.

Jean was downstairs playing Christmas carols and everyone was standing around singing like a stereotype. [Okay, that so cracks me up. They were “singing like a stereotype.”] I begged them to stop before he came. It was all too corny.

What I really wanted was to shoo them all out of the living room so I could greet him in peace.

Mum said, “Don’t be embarrassed about sharing emotion in front of us, Sheila.” She so doesn’t get it. [Wow, I am 17. She so DOES get it!!]

I pleaded with them. They could stay in the living room, fine, but pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease stop singing Christmas carols! [I am howling with laughter. Please stop acting like a family! Please!]

Well, of course he arrived while I was in the bathroom so I couldn’t monitor everyone’s behavior. [hahahaha I am howling …]

I was so fluttery nervous. Not like I get before TS’ dates – but a tremulous HAPPY nervous. [Thanks for clearing up that minute difference in emotion.]

I was in the bathroom and I heard the doorbell ring. AH! Slap dash! I got out as quick as I could. Finally, I came out. There he stood in mym hallway. Mum is so adorable. She was just standing there beaming. I guess I’m really lucky to have a mum like her. [You guess, you ingrate???] I can still see his face – him – when he first saw me. We both just smiled and said “Hi”.

Then for a few hysterical minutes we all just stood around staring at each other. [I can’t stop laughing] Mum, Jean, Siobhan and Brendan were in this tableau around the piano, and Brett and I were at the door, and it was all awkward and quiet.

Brendan – that hysterical jerk – started rocking back and forth on his heels, hands behind his back, saying over and over, “Yup … yup … yup … yup ….” I, of course, started to laugh. Brett was probably totally baffled. He said, “Well, we’d better go.” So I put on my coat and out we went. Such a relief to get away from that piano tableau! [Uhm, Sheila? That’s your family.]

The car doors closed – and then we were back to normal. He cried, “Hey!” as though this were the first time he’d seen me and leaned over to hug me. I was squished so I could only get one arm around. It was so great to see him! I like to be hugged. Especially when he hugs me, because I can feel how much he means it.

We had no idea what the evening would hold. Part of the fun of it was the spontanaeity of it. He is precious to me. I had been missing him so much that I felt this yawning hole inside of me. But I’m not missin ghim now. I’m just happy thinking about him and looking forward to seeing him again. I was sort of expecting that we’d go to Campus Cinema or Pier – somewhere close – but he said, “So how about it – want to see what’s at the Showcase?” That’s so far away! Psyched! [Wow. This is such a Rhode Island statement. Only Rhode Islanders will understand how insane this statement is.]

We were embarking on an adventure. [This is why dating is hard for me to this day. Every single moment I am “embarking on an adventure” – if I like the guy, I mean. NOTHING is casual. EVERYTHING is exciting. And dating seems to require a bit more “coolness” which I categorically CANNOT DO. I am not cool. And pretending seems just wrong. I need to feel like dates are “adventures” or why go?? ]

So we started up to the Showcase. [Which, man, is so so far away. Hope you guys packed a lunch!] He said, “Oh, you know what we should do if we’re not in time for a movie? We should go to Chuck E. Cheese.” I had no idea what he was talking about so I asked. He gaped at me. “You don’t know? You’ve never been there? Oh, you deprived girl!! You haven’t lived!” He was so psyched. He explained the place to me – it’s a restaurant for kids – with video games, rides, a big huge dog dressed up as Elvis, and a band of mechanical dolls. [I can barely type. I am shaking with laughter.] During the summer, Brett took his retarded kids there. [Oh man. So not PC. Brett loved those kids.] Brett said that he had more fun on the trip than the kids did.

It was a long ride [SO LONG! What a LONG RIDE it is to the Showcase Cinema!] He said, “Okay. So tell me every detail about your New York trip.” He went to NYU for a year before transferring – he loves New York. So I told him everything. We went to Bloomingdale’s, Macy’s, Fioruccis – it was crazy – BILLIONS of Christmas shoppers. “Oh God,” Brett said, “It must have been awful. You should come to New York with me. I’d take you to all the little obscure places in the Village. I know the Village like the back of my hand.” [To this day, Brett is one of the best tour guides I know of the city. He USES this city even though he lives here. He knows every nook and cranny of Central Park – he’s just wonderful.] He told me all these funny stories of his first year alone in New York -a naive 17 year old from Connecticut. He was approached by a prostitute [man, those were the days … when there were actually hookers in New York] and he didn’t even catch on until a block later. Then he was like, “Ohhhhhh! I get what that was!” He’s a real relaxed driver. He holds the wheel with one hand, gestures with the other. [What one thing has to do with the other I will leave to the imagination.]

I was quite happy. It was such a comfort to my soul to be riding along at night to go see a movie with him. We were laughing so hard. He said, “I knew I’d get a laugh being with you. It’s so grim back home. I’m done with my exams but everyone else is still going crazy. I had to get out of there. Last night I helped Liz do some drawings for her costume class. We were up all night working in total silence – and then – at around 4 a.m., I heard this little mutter next to me: ‘I hate the whole fuckin’ world.’ Then I came home and found Joe lying on his bed moaning, ‘I don’t know what to write … I don’t know what to write!’ I was like, ‘Oh God. Get me out of here.'” [I am guffawing.]

When we got to the theatre – which has 8 cinemas – we were too late for the 7:30 show. [Of WHAT, Sheila??] So we decided to go to a 9:45 and in the meantime drive around and get lost. Just as we got in the car, it came to him. “CHUCK E. CHEESE.” So off we headed to find Chuck E. Cheese. We eventually got lost. It was my fault. Brett would not stop and ask for directions. Mainly because he is a 20 year old guy and he did not want to say to a stranger, “Hi – can you tell me the way to Chuck E. Cheese?” [hahahahahahahahahahaha] He knew that it was near the airport so somehow we got there and we drove around, peering closely for Chuck E. Cheese. Soone enough, Brett yelled, “There it is!”

The minute I saw the place I started laughing. It is the ultimate kiddie place and there we were, going for dinner. Brett thought it was so amusing too. “I can’t believe we’re doing this.” We walked into the place, and we both were in total hysterics. Brett was surging in front of me, saying, “We;re looking for our little sister. That’s all. Just looking for our little sister.”

The place is really fancy. [Uhm. Excuse me?] There are places to buy pizza, ice cream – part of it looks like a 50s malt shop – then there was a dim side room with pink lights – and there was this enormous mechanical dog dressed up like Elvis. Then there was a theatre sort of room with stands and tables surrounding a small circular stage. There was a room filled totally with video games. There were ring tosses and prizes. There was a little merry-go-round. The place is a riot. Especially when you are 17 and you are there with a 20 year old and you both have the same sense of humor.

I thought everything we did in Chuck E. Cheese was hysterical. I could not stop laughing. We ordered pizza and sodas and wandered around. We bought some tokens and played video games. That’s about the first time I’ve ever played one. I got so nervous and also so into it. Then we both played skeet shooting. We both had guns. I did not get ONE POINT and we played twice. That is when I lost control. I was shooting so off target that it was bizarre. I was laughing so hard. So was he. We had these guns, and we were just clutching at each other, howling.

We sat and ate together. And we decided that the movie we wanted to see was 2010. I hadn’t seen 2001 so he explained the plot to me in great detail. [I love you, Brett. What a fun night.]

I miss him. I wonder what he is doing right this instant.

We somehow found our way back to the Showcase. He paid for the tickets. I paid for popcorn and soda. We shared a large popcorn and we shared a large Coke. With only one straw. Oh my God. I thought that was really romantic. We walked into the theatre. We were the only ones there. We sat down. On the way up in the car he had noticed my shirt. “Hey, is that new?” I told him yeah, I got it at Bloomingdale’s. He seemed so enthusiastic about it. With TS I feel like I always have to be the one to intitate honesty and openness. With Brett, he is so naturally happen. I don’t have to work on him. Brett is like me. And I’ve found him and it’s unbelieavable!

With DW I spent all my time wondering, “What does he think about? What do boys think about?” With Brett, I KNOW – because ten to one it’s the same thing I feel – and also he can just come out and say it. Do you know what a comfort it is to find a true kindred soul? And it’s true. It’s like I found him. Or we found each other. When we smile at each other – sometimes I see a little bit of myself looking back at me. I don’t have to explain myself ot him, or justify myself to him. He already knows. He isn’t afraid of closeness.

Like – he started out to go to the bathroom (we were still the only ones there) and I just settled back in my chair – and then I heard him say, “Hey.” I turned around. He was standing in the aisle aways up, arms out – and all he said was, “This is so fun” and he turned and left.

It’s sincere.

We watched the movie. When I watch a movie with TS it’s like we are two people on an awkward date watching a movie. We are two separate people there for the sake of seeing the damn movie because we are on a stupid date. It was SO DIFFERENT seeing a movie with Brett. We were there because we wanted to be together, because we are friends. Seeing a movie with him is just that: seeing a movie. We could have been in either one of our living rooms. I was so relaxed that I could actually pay attention to the movie.

I became so into the movie. It was fascinating. The effects alone were with it. Wow. I have always been enthralled by astronomy and physics – even though it scared me to death because everything is so big – but 2010 was INTENSE. I had to close my eyes a few times especially when they were going into orbit. It was scary – I was drained just watching it.

Trying to explain how happy I was being out with Brett is like trying to describe eternity.

That movie was the right movie to go see with him.

If we hadn’t seen that movie, it wouldn’t have triggered what happened after. It’s all meant to happen. Both of us were so moved and awestruck by the end of the movie that we didn’t say anything. We couldn’t speak. When the lights came up, Brett and I just slowly stared at each other – and then – mutually – these slow smiles spread across our faces. Real smiles.

Other Picnic entries:

Part 1. The audition
Part 2: The callbacks, getting into the play
Part 3: First meeting with the director
Part 4. The calm before the storm … the time before rehearsals started … memorizing lines, etc.
Part 5. Rehearsals start
Part 6. Rehearsals. Stress building.
Part 7. Crush with Brett intensifying. Finding my own way as an actress. Stress building.
Part 8. Dropping out of religious retreat with much sturm und drang.
Part 9. Being invited to college party
Part 10. Going to college party
Part 11. Aftermath of college party!
Part 12. Rehearsals! Life! Going crazy!
Part 13. The rehearsal when the play clicks into place, emotionally.
Part 14. Opening night approaching. Homecoming Dance approaching.
Part 15 Homecoming Dance. Homecoming football game. Rage.
Part 16 Last rehearsal before 3 day Thanksgiving break. Heaven!
Part 17 Opening Night!
Part 18 More on Opening Night.
Part 19 The show closes. Drama with the boyfriend. Reconnecting with my friends.
Part 20 Description of closing night – part 1.
Part 21 Closing Night party – part 2
Part 22 Brett and I go see 2010 – part 1