Diary Friday: “I could also live on Chicken McNuggets.”

More Picnic! It’s all a mish-mash here. I’m now in my second semester, senior year … so high school is starting to wind down. This entry is all about the earth-shaking moment that is:

Filling out the blurb to go by your picture in the senior yearbook.

These are some of the most important choices you must make as a teenager. I obviously took it VERY seriously.

JANUARY 13

For the past few days my friends and I have been totally engrossed in filling out our seior blurbs. I can’t believe how INTO it we all were. Wherever you looked in school was a senior diligently filling it out. J. and I had the best time doing ours together. We both did about 4 rough drafts. It was so hysterical. In some ways they were hard to fill out. I mean, that little blurb was supposed to represent me. I really wanted it to. I remember when I was an underclassman, poring over every senior blurb – practically memorizing each one. I couldn’t help but keep in mind what people would think when they read mine. I kept crossing things out and it would get so messy that I’d have to get another form. Whenever any teacher would give free time, out would come the blurb sheets. We also voted for Senior Superlatives. They were almost harder than the blurbs because millions of names could fit in each one. As far as I can tell, I think I’m getting Best Actress. In fact, I bet it’s unanimous. I mean, I’d be in the library, or the caf, and seniors I don’t even know (who didn’t know I was there) would be saying, “How do you spell Sheila?”

Here, for lack of anything better to do, I’ll explain my senior blurb.

My nicknames: Chicago. [which is funny, since I ended up living there many years later] When we were either freshmen or sophomores, somehow Betsy and Mere and I dubbed Beth New York. We also gave ourselves city nicknames. Betsy was Boston, Mere was LA and I was Chicago. They would call me, “Hey, Windy!” or “Hey, you! Hi there, murder capital of the world!” Then I also put as a nickname Sheila Squealah – which is what TS calls me.

Miyako, April’s Japanese student, can NOT pronounce my name – it’s always “Shira” – J. thinks it’s very funny so that’s what she calls me now.

During Picnic, one of the jokes that evolved backstage generated from that horrifying movie Magic – really scary – where this marionette comes alive and talks. Liz would freak people out because she could make herself look like that marionette – huge bug eyes, false dead smile – and she’d say in this really raspy whispering voice, “Sheeeeeeeeeeeeila.” It wouold make my skin crawl – especially when she did it backstage among the blackness of the curtains and I could see the whites of her eyes. I described it to everyone at school, and now- at spasmodic moments – one of us will assume the face and call someone’s name –

“Meeeeeeeeeeeeeredith …”
“Beeeeeeeeetsy”

It could be scary. J. really exaggerates it. And now she goes, “Shira ……. Shira ….”

I also put down “Millie” as my nickname. I really do answer to it. During rehearsal, on and offstage I was referred to as Millie. When we’d get notes, we’d all be our character names. Once Liz called me to tell me that Joe was coming to get me to come up and see her play. I answered the phone. She said, “Is Millie there? This is her mother speaking.” I have a feeling that she would have said that regardless of who answered. Once my mother answsered the phone, and she was saying, “Who do you want? Billy?” I tried to lunge for the phone. “It’s for me! They want Millie!” It turned out to be a wrong number and I was quite laughed at by my family.

My favorite quote I found on a little ripped-up calendar under the desk at the library. I was trying to calculate how much someone owed and was counting the days and I read it and I felt my throat clog up, my eyes filmed over – I reached for a pencil and a piece of scrap paper. I love that quote.

Another quote was from our movie (the movie) The Troubled Days and Nights of Husbands, Wives, Lovers and Children in Hope and Despair (which, by the way, is now 4 parts long – over 2 hours long.) We just filmed part 4 over Christmas vacation. And – as the cleaver murderess Andrea – there’s one moment when I’m looking straight into the camera and – I don’t know what word can describe it – I’m sort of cackling – but it doesn’t sound like a witch. It sounds like a deep gutteral “Hm Hm Hm” – it is one of the most hysterical things I’ve ever done – and I say it all the time now.

Another quote I put down is one of my numerous favorite lines from my FAVORITE movie What’s Up Doc. Mere, J and I can recite that movie.

“I am Hugh.”
“You are me?”
“No. I am Hugh.”
“Stop saying that! Make him stop saying that!”
______

“That’s a person named Eunice?”
________

“You are not going to say, ‘Hi, my name is Howard.’ Anyone can say that! Anyone!”
“Anyone named Howard.”
_______________

“They broke into my home.”
“That’s breaking and entering.”
“And they brought her with them forcibly!”
“That’s kidnapping.”
“They tried to molest me.”
Long pause.
“That’s unbelievable.”

I suppose my favorite foods are self-explanatory. Every year I buy two huge onion bagels from Penn Station with so much cream cheese that it oozes off the side. Every bite is wonderful. The place is a really scummy place, but those bagels! Also, every time Mummy Gina visits she makes her sticky cinnamon rolls. Oh my God. I could eat 5,000,000 of those delectable things. And I could also live on Chicken McNuggets.

Of course – my diaries are my favorite objects. I’m on #9 now. [wow. I’m only 9 diaries in???] I don’t know why I write so much or so faithfully. I think partly so I can try to make sense of the feelings I have, or try to discover what the feelings are. If my diaries were ever lost I’d feel like a big chunk of my life was missing. One of the funniest things to do is to read my old diaries. Who was I?? I read things that I wrote a long time ago that sound so stupid to me now. About sex: “No way am I ready. Past making out? Forget it. Even in college I don’t think I’ll be ready. But I refuse to go through my whole life a virgin, okay? If I really love someone – and if there is no pressure involved – and both of us know that it’s right, then maybe I would consider having sex. In my late 20s or so I am pretty sure that I will be ready. That sounds normal, huh?” Did I actually write those juvenile things? I did not know WHAT I was talking about!

My cleaver from the movie is also one of my favorite objects. There is one point in Part II when I do a mad dance with a cleaver to “Hall of the Mountain King”. When we were watching this part, Mere glanced at me and said, “Sheila, why am I friends with you?” [hahahahahahahahahahaha] But I also do little drawings of cleavers – as symbols for frustrating and anger. Through my junior year, little cleavers were sprinkled ALL OVER my notebook margins. [Okay, that sounds scary]

I’ve already explained about my dark glasses and how I love them. [Get ready for some wardrobe talk now. MORTIFYING!] Whenever I wear my jeans jacket, I hook one of boughs into a button hole – I love feeling cool. [If you love feeling cool, then I would not hook my sunglasses into my jeans jacket. Just a tip.] When we all went roller skating, I wore my huge blazer, my Hawaiian shirt, and my jeans – I also wore my dark glasses. I bring them everywhere. [Hon … they’re sunglasses. What is the big deal. They cost 5 bucks at CVS. Calm down.] Roller skating was heaven by the way – HEAVEN!! “Old Time Rock and Roll” came on [I almost don’t want to type out this next part it’s so embarrassing] – and – I felt so … something about whizzing along on roller skates – I just felt so exuberant – dancing – music – and when that song came on – I whipped out my glasses and put them on. [AHHHHHH I’M SO EMBARRASSED] I couldn’t stand how COOL I felt bopping along. Brett went zooming up to tell Joe to look at me – and I could hear Brett saying, “Look at her! She’s hot! Sheila is HOT.” [hmmmmmm!!!] I felt it too – I guess I felt hot that night. I really liked David too. [the birthday boy from yesterday!!] We skated hand in hand for about half an hour – kidding around, trying to go backwards. He is so sweet.

Now I have to tell a story that I never told because I never had time. I never told about my birthday. My birthday this year was the best birthday I’ve ever had. First of all, I’m 17 now. It’s a cool age to be. I can see dirty movies now! [hahahahahahaha what???] The whole day was so perfect. I had an inkling that Picnic people were gonna do something. They all knew it was my birthday. The night before, Brett drove me, Liz and Joe home. Joe and I were in the back, Brett and Liz in front. Right before Liz got out at her sorority, she said to Brett, “Are you doing anything tomorrow around 3:00?” He said no. She leaned over and whispered something to him. He nodded, glancing back at me, “Okay.” Joe and I were yelling, “HEY! No fair!” I just had this feeling, though …

My family got up an hour early to give me my presents. i’ve never appreciated my birthday like I did this year. We were into dress rehearsals. My life was a whirlwind. Opening Night was 2 days awya. I was SO happy and full and excited and living in a flurry. Perfect time to turn 17.

I got wonderful presents – and I got black corduroy pedal pushers that are now my favorite article of clothing. Siobhan made me a card – that – well. Only little kids can touch me that way. It’s SO CUTE. And –

I GOT A STEREO!

It was such a wonderful warm birthday. I felt sincerely happy.

Then I went to school. I was feeling everything so strongly. My life was so full. I got a hug from everyone. The first person I saw was April. She made m e 3 little origami birds – she knows I love origami. [I do?] Kate gave me this really special book called Markings by Dag Hammerskold. I haven’t really read it yet. It’s not a cover to cover kind of book. It’s the diary of a man and about his spiritual life. I just open it up sometimes and see what it can tell me.

“But at some moment I did answer Yes to Someone – or Something – and from that hour I was certain that existence is meaningful and that, therefore, my life, in self-surrender, had a goal.”
“What I ask for is absurd: that life shall have a meaning.
What I strive for is impossible: that my life shall acquire a meaning.”

One of my favorite passages:

“Never measure the height of a mountain until you have reached the top. Then you will see how low it was.”

Do you see what a high I am operating on at all times? [Yes. I do. Take it down a notch. Thanks.]

Betsy made me a key chain [that I adored and had for years until it literally fell apart] – with a collage on it – a picture of the barn, a picture of a red rose, a picture of James Dean, my face from the freshman toga picture, a picture of me on my retreat, a picture of Betsy – she always makes her presents. And she gave me a card – I read it alone and it is precious.

Beth gave me a certificate guaranteeing me dinner with Beth at the restaurant of my choice. Hey – I still haven’t taken her up on that! I feel so close to her.

J. didn’t give me my present till that library party Opening Night. It was a pink glass bead necklace and I LOVE IT.

They all put birthday and Break a leg announcements on for me – I felt so loved and special and happy. And I had a dress rehearsal that night. My first real dress rehearsal. I was nervous and sick inside.

So I came up to the theatre – totally forgetting to anticipate that something was gonna happen for my brithday. I came into the lobby and signed in. That was when jennifer came up to me with a letter from Michelle – it touched me SO MUCH that she remembered! It just blew me away. I stood there alone in the lobby talking to myself, “Oh, this is so sweet … thank you so much …” I walked down the hall to the girls dressing room and just as I walked past the guys dressing room door, Brett came hurtling out looking around frantically. Then he saw me and SHOUTED, “HEY! Happy Birthday!” and swung me up in a huge tight hug. Then he dragged me into the dressing room. Liz and Joe sat there waiting – they saw me and burst into song. Brett kept his arm around me. Liz presented me with a wrapped package and an envelope. I was so moved, so touched. As they sang, I just stood there saying, “Oh, you guys – ” holding my present, beaming at them. I love them all DEARLY.

I opened the envelope first. I burst out laughing. It was a picture of a marionette with an eerie grin on his face. Inside it said, “Happy birthday, Dummy” – and they wrote under “dummy” my ame.

I felt so honored and special and thankful. Just that I was there – that my life was the way it was. I felt a little bit of trepidation in opening the present because the box looked rather suspicious. I thought that it was gonna be a dousche, or condoms – or something embarrassing. I could feel myself trying to think up a reaction before I even opened it. I opened it – and the minute I saw the words on the box – I burst out laughing. It said: THE SPERM BANK. Total mass hysteria broke loose. They all yelled, “Open it!” So I did.

Diary, it is a big hollow white china sperm – with a slot in the top so it is, indeed, a sperm “bank”. It now holds an honored position on the top shelf of my bookcase.

Then Brett said, “Hey, did you sign in?”

I n odded. They all glanced at each other. Brett said, “You did?” I nodded. Brett pushed me towards the door. “Well, go and sign in again.” I didn’t know what he was talkig about – the 4 of us went back to the lobby and I peered at the sign-in sheet to see if my check was there. Yes – there it was. Then I glanced up – and tacked up over the sign-in sheet – was a HUGE sign – I felt this jolt inside – it said HAPPY BIRTHDAY – in huge round gold and silver letters – and SHEILA O’MALLEY in block red and blue letters. Then there was a 17 in block numbers – and on the top was written in purple, “And you KNOW what you can do!” (That line was my main stumbling block in the play). Brett made the sign – I LOVE IT SO MUCH. If the house was burning down, I would grab that sign. I adore it. It’s hanging on the wall right above my sperm bank. I hugged everyone, Joanna came running in – she remembered too – gave me a big tight hug. PERFECT BIRTHDAY. My best one yet. Brett told me a few nights later at Giro’s: “When we went shopping for your birthday I saw this thing that I was gonna get you – I don’t know why – a big James Dean poster – it just seemed like a thing you’d like.” “Brett – I am obsessed with that guy. How did you know?”

Anyway, that’s a long story to explain why “sperm bank” is listed as one of my favorite objects in my senior blurb.

Oh – and under Favorite Person – I just put “all my friends” – also Don Juan – which is a whole other story. I am glad I can somehow incorporate these Picnic stories in. Okay – there was a party at Brett and Joe’s on November 16 and I was gonna sleep over. Eventually I didn’t but it was a good time – only Picnic people – it was really quiet and intimate. These people are all so into ghost stories that it isn’t even funny. Apparently our theatre has its own ghost – George. Everything bad is blamed on him. They told a lot of weird true stories about things that happened to them. For atmosphere, we turned off all the lights and lit one candle so it was really creepy. Jennifer is so cute – she’s so free with her emotions. Someone would be telling a ghost story and you could hear her moaning, “Oh my gosh” in the corner. After that, we turned on the lights and played Dr. Shrink. What it is is – we sat in a circle. Someone started, like, “If Linda were a food, what food would she be?” Everyone writes down their answers and passes it in to the person who asked the question. Then the person reads them aloud and you have to guess who wrote it. As you can imagine, it got pretty personal.

Liz’s question was, “If you were an alcoholic drink, what drink would you be?” I groaned. I have NO idea! So she changed it to any drink. “And anyone who says lemonade is in big trouble.” I wrote down, “A glass of damn milk, okay?” which ended up bringing the house down.

Lenny said, “If there were a movie made about Brett’s life – no – no – If there were a movie made about Brett’s sex life – what would it be called?” When he said that, I almost dropped out of that round. I have NO idea – it feels so personal – I had no idea what to say. Everyone was around me, giggling as they wrote down their answers. Bretet just sat there grinning resignedly. “Okay. Okay. I can take it.” I didn’t want to make too big a deal over how lost I felt. So I fianlly just scribbled something down and passed it in. When Lenny started to read the answers out loud – oh my God, it was so hysterical.

Jennifer’s was ‘The Big Chill’ – that was the #1 favorite answer
Liz wrote (a line from Picnic) “Beggars can’t be chooser”
There were bursts of hysteria at every answer – and as Lenny kept reading I realized that mine was like the only semi-nice one. I wanted to sink through the floor. I wanted to somehow subtly disappear and take my answer with me. [hahahahahaha] I sat in agony. Waiting. Then Lenny came to mine – he read it to himself and then said, “Okay – who wrote Don Juan?” Everyone started screeching with laughter – the blush crept up my cheeks – I got totally hot in the face – my big huge smile gave me away – I sort of raised my hand – Brett shouted, “THANK YOU! OH! THANK YOU!” and practically attacked me. He had really been ragged on for about 5 minutes. I was so glad that it all turned out okay and I didn’t hate myself for writing Don Juan anymore.

And that’s why I put Don Juan as one of my favorite people. [Sheila, you do realize that by saying a ‘sperm bank’ is your favorite object and that ‘Don Juan’ is your favorite person – you may be giving people an incorrect impression of you???]

Other Picnic entries:

Part 1. The audition
Part 2: The callbacks, getting into the play
Part 3: First meeting with the director
Part 4. The calm before the storm … the time before rehearsals started … memorizing lines, etc.
Part 5. Rehearsals start
Part 6. Rehearsals. Stress building.
Part 7. Crush with Brett intensifying. Finding my own way as an actress. Stress building.
Part 8. Dropping out of religious retreat with much sturm und drang.
Part 9. Being invited to college party
Part 10. Going to college party
Part 11. Aftermath of college party!
Part 12. Rehearsals! Life! Going crazy!
Part 13. The rehearsal when the play clicks into place, emotionally.
Part 14. Opening night approaching. Homecoming Dance approaching.
Part 15 Homecoming Dance. Homecoming football game. Rage.
Part 16 Last rehearsal before 3 day Thanksgiving break. Heaven!
Part 17 Opening Night!
Part 18 More on Opening Night.
Part 19 The show closes. Drama with the boyfriend. Reconnecting with my friends.
Part 20 Description of closing night – part 1.
Part 21 Closing Night party – part 2
Part 22 Brett and I go see 2010 – part 1